Joke of the Day

>
> From: THE DOG
>
>
> Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
>
>
> Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
>
>
> When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
>
>
> Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
>
>
> If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
>
>
> We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
>
>
> More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
>
>
> Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
>
>
> Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
>
>
> 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
>
> 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
>
> 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
>
> 4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
>
> 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
>
> 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
>
> 7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
>
> 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
>
> 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
>
> 10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
>
> 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
>
> 12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
>
>
> P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

 

not a joke but it made me giggle. is there a funny quote thread????


I miss being 5.... that's the last age where someone will let you take a nap for being an asshole

 

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue
determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!,"
demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a
week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]please enjoy these truths about Italians. Enjoy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named TONY?
On the boat over to America , a sticker was put on them that said;
TO NY (To New York )
-------------------------------------------

You know you're Italian when . . . .

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grand father had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 1:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing".


Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.

The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat 'Chef-Boy-ar-dee', 'Franco American', 'Ragu', 'Prego', or anything else labeled as Italian, if it came in a jar or a can.

Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and minestrone or shcarole soup.

If anyone EVER says ESCAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's "SHCAROLE."

Sunday dinner was at 1:00 PM sharp. The meal went like this...

The table was set with everyday dishes. It doesn't matter if they don't match.

They're clean; what more do you want?

All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left.

A clean kitchen towel was put at onna's & Papa's plates because they won't use napkins.
Homemade wine and bottles of 7-UP are on the table.
First course, Antipasto...
Change plates.
Second course, macaroni.
All pasta was called macaroni...
Change plates.
Third course, roast beef, potatoes and vegetables...
Change plates.
THEN, and only then -


NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL
- would you eat the salad, drenched in homemade olive oil & wine vinegar dressing...
Change plates.

Next course, fruit & nuts - in the shell - on paper plates because you ran out of the real ones.

Last course was coffee with anisette espresso for Nonna, 'American' coffee for the rest - with hard cookies (biscotti) to dunk in the coffee.

The kids would go out to play.

The men would go lay down. They slept so soundly that you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia.

The women cleaned the kitchen.

We got screamed at by Mom or Nonna, and half of the sentences were English, the other half Italian.
Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but could nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you were in the living room.

Other things particular to Italians...

The prom dress that Zia Ceserina made you cost only $20.00, which was for the material.

The prom hairdo was done free by Cousin Angela.

Turning around at the prom, you'll get to see your entire family, including your Godparents, standing in the back of the gym...looking on ..... PRICELESS!

True Italians will love this.
Those of you who are married to Italians will understand this.
And those who wish they were Italian, and those who are friends with Italians, will remember, with a smile.

[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]> Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
> my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
> woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
> to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
> the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up
> in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
> an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
> works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
> works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
> poisoned me……. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
> and a car hit me.
>
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
> laughing so hard.
>
> Costco won't let me shop there anymore.[/FONT]

 

Americans Spent 4 million dollars developing a pen that would work in space.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

OH GOD...
hahahahh

 

What do the little dots mean surrounding a woman's nipple?



Its braille for "suck here"

 

SOME DAYS YOU ARE BETTER OFF TO JUST STAY IN BED........

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was
about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?" ​

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" "​

No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."​

In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
​

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.​

"Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
​

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."​

Why asks the Lord​

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota "
​

​

 

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink plenty of water to take away taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open a beer and drink. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard door on hinges. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.

Tie the cat’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home, to order new dining table.

Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” advertisement in local newspaper and call local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.


Side Note:

How to Give a Dog a Pill:

Throw it in the air.

 

^ at the cat

 

The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 62 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside
Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered
up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you..
It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
aliens!​

 

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
[FONT=&quot]"Not yet," she replied[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

 

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]An elderly couple had[/FONT][FONT=&quot] dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Do you mean a rose?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'[/FONT]

 

Gubmint and How Gubmint Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.


Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.


Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.


Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created two positions, a time keeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.


Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"


So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.


Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year, and we are $918,000 over budget. We must cut back." So they laid off the night watchman.


NOW slowly, let that sink in.


Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.


Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?


Anybody?


Anything?


No?


Didn't think so!


Bottom line: We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!


Ready?? It was very simple . . . and, at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.


The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.


Hey, pretty efficient, huh???


AND, NOW, IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES, AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?"


A little over 33 years ago, 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.


Ah, yes -- the good old Federal bureaucracy!!


NOW, WE HAVE TURNED THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?


Hello!! Anybody Home?

 

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn , Michigan and still wearing all this shit?"