Joke of the Day

It's what do you TELL a woman with 2 black eyes, otherwise the rest doesn't make sense.
You aren't related to Biff from Back to the Future, are you?

 

Really... you want to start correcting the joke page?? Have at it

 

Two old ladies are walking down the street when a Thug comes up to them and says "OK, I'm gonna rape you!"


The one old lady looks at the other old lady and says "Doesn't he mean rob us?"


The other old lady says "Shut up, he knows what he's doing"

 

Rupert Murdoch says that he has been touched by messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

 

The polar bears asks for a "gin....................................... and tonic." The Bartender says "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at the bartender and says "I don't know I've always had them!"

 

Lol, must have ruffled some feathers. I guess the truth hurts.

 

Your sig cracks me up! One of my favorite Tom Cruise scenes ever!

 

From the American Association ​

Of Retired People ​

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where is it to be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

Take it from one who knows.

 

Who's the toughest cowboy EVER?

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Ben, from Idaho , couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Snake River Frank, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee".
The waiter says, "Whoa!,
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway"?

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day".

 

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: OK!


Dad goes to Bill Gates:
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No way! Do I know you?
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: OK! We can arrange for them to meet.


Dad goes to the president of World Bank:
Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President:No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Hmmm. OK!


This is business!

 

A man sees his wife and his lawyer are both drowning.

He has two choices. Does he:

a) Play a round of golf.
b) Go to the pub.
​

 

What do you call a slut with a runny nose?











Full.

 

HA!! Good one.

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

“Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

“What the heck is this??” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out. “Maria!,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a giggle…”It’s not baby powder…… It’s ‘Miracle Grow’!”

 

^^^ Am I not drunk enough yet to get that or is someone efing with me? Or, am I too drunk to get it?

Wait, let me try one:

This bear is pissing in the woods and the tree throws itself on him.

Oh, now I get it. HAaaHa!

*sips another tall cool one*

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane.



The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her

nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.



The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently

once more.



Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was

still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the

woman sneezed yet again.



As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body

shaking ever more than before.



Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to

the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've

sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"



"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very

rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."



The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still

curious. " I have never heard of that condition

before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"



The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice. ​

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine?
A: The vending machine has Players!​

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.​

Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver! ​

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one.... ​

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A. None of them can play hockey.​

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs?
A. The Toronto Maple Leafs. ​

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'. ​

How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net. ​

What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief. ​

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road. ​

How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out. ​

This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."​

The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."​

The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.​

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game ?"​

The guys answers, "No Idea, I've only had him for 3 years."​

The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again! ​