Joke of the Day

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

A couple get a divorce and are in negotiations for the custody of their children. The judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their rights to sole custody.
The wife replies, "The children are really mine, I carried them for nine months and spent hours in labor birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning and asks for the husbands defense.
The husband thinks for a minute and replies, "Your honor...if you put a dollar into a coke machine and a soda pops out, does that soda belong to you or the machine?"

 

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

 

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday..........

 

does this joke need to be on evey page...

 

is it

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8n8K5b3gFvI

 

^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there.... on the couch.....
naked.

 

HAHAHA DAMN! If that were to happen in real life...

 

> *Respect your elders.*
>
> *A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting** **n**ext to each other on a
> long flight.**
>
> The lawyer is thinking that seniors** **are** **so dumb that he could get
> one over on them easily**.*
> *
> **So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
>
> The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
> and tries to catch a few winks.
>
> The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a
> question, and if you don't ***
> **
> *know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't
> know the answer,***
> **
> *I will pay you $500.00," he says.
>
> This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees
> to play the game.
>
> The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
> the Moon?"
>
> The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
> five-dollar bill, and hands***
> *it to the lawyer.
>
> Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
> three legs, and comes ***
> *down with four?"
>
> The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
>
> He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
> an hour of searching, ***
> *he finally gives up.
>
> He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00
> and goes right ***
> *back to sleep.
>
> The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and
> asks, ***
> *"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
>
> The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
> sleep.*

 

Cant remember where I heard this one so if it came from here sorry.

Man sits down at the bar next to a beautiful woman, looks at her and says "you remind me of my little toe". Looking confused, she looks at him and says why's that? He says because I'm probably gonna wind up banging you on my coffee table tonight.

 

You read that in the funny picture thread?

 

Oh, that's where, didn't see it in the previous jokes so I thought I saw it somewhere else on the web.

Funny as shit though.

 

> > "Old Man, a Corvette and Interstate 90 "
> >
> > A Montana senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
> > out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80
> > mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> > "Amazing, " he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Montana State Trooper,
> > blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph,
> > then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!
> > "and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
> > up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my
> > shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new
> > reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
> >
> > The old gentleman then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with
> > a Montana State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
> >
[FONT=&quot]> > "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper[/FONT]

 

A very vain 66 year old woman goes to a new dentist for the first time. While sitting in the waiting room she notices the name of the dentist on his license on the wall. His name is awful familiar to her and she then remembers that she went to high school back in 1963 with a "Robert Henshaw". When she was called in to the exam room, she took one look at the dentist and said this obese, wrinkled, bald, slumping old man couldn't be the same handsome, muscular, full head of hair "Robert Henshaw" that she went to school with. After the exam she asked him if he went to Eastern High School in 1963. When he answered that he did she said that she was there too when he replied..... "and what subject did you teach"!!!!

 

Chinese proverbs:
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.[/FONT]