Joke of the Day

1. DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly- painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

3. SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.

4. PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.

5. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

6. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

7. VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

8. OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.

9. TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

10. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes
, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

11. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used
by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller
pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

12. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

13. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

14. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

15. PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

16. HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

17. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are
trying to hit.

18. UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

19. SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL : (A personal favorite!) Any handy
tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a BITCH! ' at the top of your lungs.

It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

The Preacher stops in to see 81 year old Edna. She invites him in for a cup of tea and takes him into the parlor. While Edna is brewing the tea, the Preacher is looking around the room and sees a bowl sitting on top of her organ and the bowl is filled with water with a condom floating in it. Edna brings the tea in and after 20 minutes of conversation, the Preacher's curiosity was getting the best of him and he asked Edna about the bowl on the organ....Edna told him "one day while walking in the park I found a package on the ground. When I picked it up and read the directions it said: Put on your organ, keep wet and it's guarenteed to protect you from disease. It really works, I haven't had the flu in 1 1/2 years!!!!"

 

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today.

He asked me to help him check his balance....

So I pushed the fucker over.

 

Awesome

 

Doomed from the start

 

Doomed from the start
Attached Thumbnails





^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Humour - slightly twisted; perfect

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

 

Subbed.

 

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.


One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :....... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

Dr. Watson arrives back at 221b Baker Street after a long day at surgery. He is surprised to walk in and find Sherlock Holmes smearing lemon curd across the bare buttocks of a young lad. "I say Holmes" gasped Dr. Watson, "what are you doing? What is that?" he demanded.
Holmes replied "A lemon entry, my dear Watson!"

 

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just declare darkness as the new industry standard

 

Old but still funny.

 

I take it you aren't married!!!!