Joke of the Day

I laughed, but I feel like I really shouldn't have.

 

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion web site and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace.
She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel.
After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables.
Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wall-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

Might have posted these before, can't remember:

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.



Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The girl who can get the last donut.

 

Are you refering to me??

 

2 red necks are walking in the woods when they stumble upon a well. one red neck picks up a small rock and throws it in they wait a few seconds but dont hear a splash. the second redneck picks up a larger rock and tosses it in... still no plash finally after a little searchin they find a large crosstie they both pick it up and toss it in... as they are waiting for a splash they hear something in the bushes. suddenly a goat comes rushing out of the bushes and jumps into the hole... they both look at each other confused.. a few seconds went by and a man steps out and asked if they had seen his goat. they said yes sir he just ran and jumped in this hole... the old man says no way nhe couldnt have got loose i had him tied to an old crosstie!

 

what do welders and prostitutes have in common???








you often find them in wierd positions yelling for more rod and more money!

 

I gotta tell my old man that one. He's a welder.

 

x2, just told half our construction team, lotsa laughs haha

 

A woman is in labour and screaming all the normal stuff "get this out of me, give me the drugs etc" She then turns to her husband and yells at him "this is your fault, you did this to me!" He casually replies " If I recall I wanted to stick it in your butt, but you said screw that it'd be too painful"

 

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or
wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?




'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'




'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.




He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said..
He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.​

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He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' ​

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The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' ​

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Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. ​

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There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: ​

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One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. ​

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The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' ​

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The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' ​

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To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' ​

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2) ​

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Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. ​

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'Why?' asks the father? ​

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'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. ​

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'But that's right!' says his dad. ​

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'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' ​

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'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father. ​

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'That's what I said!' ​

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LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH ​

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Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' ​

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RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.' ​

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Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful..' ​

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Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' ​

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LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR ​

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Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!' ​

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The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.' ​

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Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!' ​

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LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER ​

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Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' ​

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Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' ​

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The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business.​

 

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
Being dead?'

Royal Bank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Royal Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Royal Bank:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Royal Bank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Royal Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care..'

Royal Bank :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

Royal Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the fuck do you do with dead people on your planet?'..............

 

If you ever get the sudden urge

to run around naked,

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking​