Joke of the Day

A blond heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blond came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blond said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blond said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

 

While creating wives, God promised men that good and
obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

 

[FONT=&quot]I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '


[/FONT]

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'



So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.



Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'



The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.



The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,



But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.










St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'



The guy says,

'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

 

Little Johnny:
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."

"When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,



"Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen.'​

'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'​

'I should be in charge,' said the legs , 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'​

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'​

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood w as toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss .​

​

​

​

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work,​

The asshole is usually in charge​

 

How Moses got the COMMANDMENTS



God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There. That, should piss off just about everybody

 

Apple's black Friday deals...

 

i was looking for something too.

 

Women's Ass size study...there is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses...The results were pretty interesting.30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they Love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world

 

I'm stealing that for crackbook.

 

Just got this off of my friend's facebook.

 

Drinking with an Saskatchewan girl


A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck Saskatchewan girl are in the same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Saskatchewan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


'God Bless Canada'





You gotta love those Saskatchewan gals!!!

 

Herd that one before. Heres one.
A mexican guy, a black guy, and a white guy was arguing about what race god was. Mexican guy says he gots to be mexican, black guy says naw, he black. White guy says you seen jesus. He's white so god got to be white. So they decided to shoot themslves and prove each other wrong. So they get to heavens gate. Ring the bell and when god answers. They see a chinaman ans he says welcome, come in come in.

 

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain -- all on the bottom shelf. (LOL)





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After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters; they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle, and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk, only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me, then watch." He then throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

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Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?" "No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone. The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation." He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said. The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time. "Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
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"A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go further than a great idea that inspires no one."
~Mary Kay Ash

"An idea ran back and forward in his head like a blind man, knocking over the solid furniture."
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Colourless green ideas sleep furiously."
~Noam Chomsky

=========================================================
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

 

How does hitler tie his shoes? With little nazi's!!!

 

"The hulk of a man with a beer in his hand he looked like a drunk old fool
And I knew if I hit him right why I could knock him off of that stool
But everybody they said watch out hey that's the Tiger Man McCool
He's had the whole lotta fights and he's always come out winner yeah he's a winner
But I had myself about five too many and I walked up tall and proud
I faced his back and I faced the fact that he had never stooped or bowed
I said Tiger Man you're a pussycat and a hush fell on the crowd
I said let's you and me go outside and see who's the winner
Well he gripped the bar with one big hairy hand then he braced against the wall
He slowly looked up from his beer my God that man was tall
He said boy I see you're a scrapper so just before you fall
I'm gonna tell you just a little bout what it means to be a winner
He said now you see these bright white smilin' teeth you know they ain't my own
Mine rolled away like Chicklets down the street in San Antone
But I left that person cursin' nursin' seven broken bones
And he only broke ah three of mine that makes me the winner
He said now behind this grin I got a steel pin that holds my jaw in place
A trophy of my most successful motorcycle race
And each morning when I wake and touch this scar across my face
It reminds me of all I got by bein' a winner
Now this broken back was the dyin' act of a handsome Harry Clay
That sticky Cincinnati night I stole his wife away
But that woman she gets uglier and she gets meaner every day
But I got her boy that's what makes me a winner
He said you gotta speak loud when you challenge me son cause it's hard for me to hear
With this twisted neck and these migraine pains and this big ole cauliflower ear
And if it wadn't for this glass eye of mine why I'd shed a happy tear
To think of all that you gonna get by bein' a winner
I got arthritic elbows boy I got dislocated knees
From pickin' fights with thunderstorms and chargin' into trees
And my nose been broke so often I might lose if I sneeze
And son you say you still wanna be a winner
Now you remind me a lotta my younger days with your knuckles a clenchin' white
But boy I'm gonna sit right here and sip this beer all night
And if there's somethin' that you gotta gain to prove by winnin' some silly fight
Well okay I quit I lose you're the winner
So I stumbled from that barroom not so tall and not so proud
And behind me I still hear the hoots of laughter of the crowd
But my eyes still see and my nose still works and my teeth're still in my mouth
And you know I guess that makes me the winner"

 

^^ That's supposed to be funny

 

With Euro going down, Ford to buy Renault





Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”.



It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!



Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.



Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.







Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.



Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.