Joke of the Day

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "where were you last night"

"I was at the library" *robot slaps son*

"O.K., I was at a friend's house" "doing what?" asked the father.

"watching a movie. Toy story." *robot slaps son*

"ok it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells" what?

When I was your age I didn't know what porn was"

*robot Slaps the father*

the mother laughs and says "he certainly is your son"

*robot slaps the mother.

 

Small broom this time?

 

Your shit is my bread and butter. That's awesome!

 

This actually happened:

My buddy is sick and I told him to go get himself some peppermint tea, get more sleep, and a hooker.

He says to me, "why a hooker?"

I told him, "Because blow jobs can cure cancer"

He says "How can you be so sure"

I said "How do you think mother teresa was curing so many people on her knees??"





I'm going to hell

 

Driving in the winter is like eating pussy, if you don't go slower and take it easy, you'll end up sliding into the asshole in front of you

 

I was gunna tell a gay joke , butt fuck it .

 

LMFAO!

 

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our
real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age.



However, one Senior girl in the class immediately started in on how
unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her
opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
from becoming president.



The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?"



Yep, these are the same kinds of 18 plus-year-olds that are now voting
in our elections! They breed and they walk among us. And we pay for their education.



Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did! THEY vote AND drive cars !

 

Why didn't Hitler drink Tequila?

Cause it made him mean.

 

A medical transplant of a foreskin for eyelids can give you foresight. Unless it goes terribly wrong and you become cockeyed

 

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings water to my eyes

 

A blonde woman named Britney finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits.
She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.’
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Britney again prays... ‘God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.’
Lotto night comes and Britney still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... ‘Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Britney is confronted by the voice of God himself... ‘Britney, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.’