Joke of the Day

Whats the best part about having kids? Playing with the box they came in

 

NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012!!!


BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with
otherwise married, stay‐at‐home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle‐aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable
than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a
man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means
the act of being blindsided following an ill‐advised wedding.
JOHNNY‐NO‐STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a
burger restaurant. The 'no‐stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast‐food
restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you
accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed,
and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'.
Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or
importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the
boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and
die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because
there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" ‐ needless paperwork and
processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just
going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their
food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that
the requested document could not be located.
OH‐NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG
mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th
pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you
come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks
away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10‐Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even
though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

 

Till they are born and that box is all fucked up.

 

No, that box is fucked up then she gets pregnant...

 

bwahahahhahaha fucking epic !

 

"GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just
going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their
food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies."

 

done that a few times

 

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!












Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

​

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

 

This is really well put, in terms the average person can understand…..



This rather brilliantly cuts thru all the political doublespeak we get...........

Food for thought..... This puts it into a much better perspective and is
the same for many countries in Europe ...

Why the U.S. was downgraded:

* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts: $385

Got It ?????

OK now Lesson # 2:
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer
backup in your neighborhood....and your home has sewage all the way up
to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do ......

Raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?




​

 

Best Joke of the Year

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil.. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the door of
the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George .

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.




· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde



· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

 

Picking Your Nose.......



Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

 

> # How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the
> rocks
>
> # What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks
>
> # What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? -
>
> Follow the captain
>
> # When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew
> where he was going .
>
> He replied , "off course."
>
> # So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's
> more than can be said for his ship.
>
> # I like my women the same as I like my Italian Cruises.
>
> Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
>
> # The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in
> Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
>
> # What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise
> liner Costa Concordia?
>
> Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

 

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially
dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called
Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus
will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should
immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform
that included the famous British "red coat."

​

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"



A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"



In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.



And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.



There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

As we progress into the year of 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.​

​

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.​

​

THANKS TO email pals I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.​

​

BECAUSE OF email friends CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. ​

​

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. ​

​

Oh, and by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.​

​

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.​

​

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!!​