Joke of the Day

HA!!!!

 

The election is over, the talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends, let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant, you kiss your ass.

Have a happy day!

 

Heard this one on the local radio station the other day

Why are there brail dots on the drive up atm?

 

[FONT=verdana, helvetica, sans-serif]We have all heard Barrack Hussein Obama tell everyone that he will [/FONT]
go after Osama Bin Laden when elected.

So apparently Bin Laden himself decided to send Obama a letter in
his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of a coded
message as follows. . . . 370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean & his aides.
Dean & his staff had no clue what the message meant. So it was sent
to Joe Biden. Biden could not solve it, & it was mailed to the FBI &
the CIA. However, they also were unable to de-code the message.

Eventually they sent it to John McCain and his staff to look at it.
Within minutes McCain's staff E-mailed Obama with this reply. . . .
"Tell Obama he's holding it upside down."

 

That's been my avatar user title for the past month...so far only one person has said they fingered it out!

 

Sorry I didn't look at your avatar title.

 

It's all good!

 

1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5 CLICK ON 'OPEN'
ENJOY!
Don't forget to click on 'OPEN' !!!

Morning Java<http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf>

 

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

 

A bunch of court room attorney witness answers, pretty funny


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?



WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________



And the best for last......



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, never the
less?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

Haha.....rep given!

 

Pay attention now.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are
traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the
same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the
same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the
same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?




ANSWER BELOW!








































* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *

 

The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman
walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at > them all the way through the entrance. She was dressed in dirty jeans and a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too !'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of ?

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble! gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'

Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that
means a lot of heat and excitement ?'

Harry : 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

 

^ awesome !

 

Subject: Grammar

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't wan t to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!" Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life . just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the
Father says, "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this!"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way. Hee hee hee!"

 

Two Deer Hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Michigan on
the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck
meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a
funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head
bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was
long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act
I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing
such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

"You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen
throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."

 

Little Johnny Rotten was a 4th grader. His teacher announced one day "OK class we're going to play a game today". Yay!

We're going to go through the entire alphabet one letter at a time, and I want you to use whatever letter we're on in a word that describes me". Yay!

"OK....the letter A"

Everyone raises their hand right away, but Johnny Rotten ponders for a bit, then finally raises his hand. The teacher thinks "I'd best not call on Johnny Rotten, he'll call me an asshole". So she calls on Suzy, who stands up and says "the teacher is the apple of my eye". Yay!

"OK class...the letter B". Everyone raises their hand right away except Johnny Rotten, who ponders for a few seconds then raises it. The teacher thinks to herself "I better not call on Johnny Rotten, he'll call me a bitch". So she calls on Bobby, who says "my teacher is beautiful". Yay!

This goes on through the alphabet until they get to the letter U. Teacher says "OK class, here's a hard one...the letter U".

This time Johnny Rotten throws his hand up right away, but nobody else does. The teacher thinks to herself "well, what's the worst he can do...call me ugly?".

So she says "OK Johnny Rotten, what's your word about me that starts with U".

Johnny Rotten stands up and says "urinate!".

The teacher says "well, yes urinate starts with a U, but how does that pertain to me?"

Johnny Rotten says "Urinate! If you had bigger tits you'd be a ten!".

 

710




A few days ago I was having some work done at my local
garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all
looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?" She
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of
the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she
did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it
wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up
and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of
course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
<http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg>