Joke of the Day

The phone rings, and the wife answers.











A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no
hair?"





Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

 

so this guy has made a lot of money and done well for himself, but has just gotten sick of the hectic big city life...never any time to just enjoy life.

So he decides to move out west and buy a ranch. Well, one day after a couple months of living on his ranch...he sees a truck driving into his place. a guy gets out and introduces himself as his neighbor who has a ranch a few miles away.

the neighbor guy asks him how he likes living out in the country and the city guy says he loves it and loves the peace and quiet.

the neighbor guy tells him the reason that he came over was to apologize for not coming by sooner to introduce himself and tells the city guy that he would like to invite him to a party that he is having at his ranch this weekend.

the city guys says yeah, i would like that. It would be nice to meet some other people from the area.

the neighbor guy tells him....sounds good, but i have to warn you about a few things....

The first is that there will probably be some drinking at the party......the city guy says no problem...I am not a heavy drinker, but I like to have a beer as much as the next person.

The neighbor says well another thing is there may be some fighting.....the city guy says......well i am not really a fighter, but if that is how you guys handle things here...I have no problem throwing a punch.

The neighbor says one last thing i should warn you about is there may be some sex at the party.....the city guy says that would be fine with him...he tells the neighbor guy that he hasn't been with a woman since he left the city and is ready for a little action.


The neighbor says....sounds good, i will see you at my place around 7 Saturday night.......

As the neighbor guy is getting in his truck and getting ready to leave, the city guy stops him and asks.....hey...is this a formal dinner party or is it just casual dress?


The neighbor guy says....wear whatever you want....the party is just you and me.......

 

The Bank was running a recent Password Audit and found Nick Burry from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital.

 

Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

 

Lol

 

BAHAHAHAAHA!

 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear." ​

 

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE​

eBay Scam​

Be careful what you purchase on eBay -- Spent $50 on a penis enlarger -- Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.​

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.​

 

An Illegal alien, a Communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
The Bartender says "Hi Mr. President!"

 

Because I'm a man PSA

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will

fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. ​

Calling CAA is not an option. I WILL win. ​

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,​

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what​

I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say​

to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now​

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know​

where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and​

break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone​

to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed​

and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so​

for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic​

groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be​

expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I​

know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops​

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that​

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person​

gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote​

control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been​

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though​

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....​

( applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm​

thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,​

sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when​

you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or​

have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she​

calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever​

you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.​

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the​

movie Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't​

...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will​

certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to​

others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I​

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,​

too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,​

looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go​

now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I​

will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,​

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,​

and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden​

with a beer wondering what to do.​

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men​

 

*gets pulled over drunk* Officer: sir. what is in that bottle.
Me: water officer
Officer: *takes bottle, clearly labeled wine bottle* sir this is wine.
Me: praise the lord and his miracles!!!

 

> When it's time to give up golf!
>
> Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her
> retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.
>
> "That's it," she tells her husband, Gus, "I'm giving up golf. My
> eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where
> it went."
>
> Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me
> with you and give it one more try."
>
> "That's no good" sighs Beverly, "you're a hundred and three. You can't
> help."
>
> "I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."
>
> So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Gus. She
> tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
>
> She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"
>
> "Of course I did!" replied Gus, "I have perfect eyesight".
>
> "Where did it go?" says Beverly.
>
> "I don't remember."

 

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working
in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old
... enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out,
he proceeded to tell her all about Human reproduction and the joys
and responsibilities of intercourse.When he finished explaining, the
little girl was looking at him with mouth hanging open, eyes wide
in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in
just a couple secs."

 

The following are actual replies that women in Michigan have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or to put it another way: Who's your baby's Daddy?

#11, takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley.I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks. (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.(This made number #1).

REMEMBER: WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED - THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS!

 

A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."

The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police


station.


One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"


The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the


shampoo?"


She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've


just wet mine."



A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she


tells the vet.


The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."


The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"



A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO


NOT BEND".


She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.



A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.


Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"


She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.


"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.


"Here boy!" she replies.



A blond is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her


feet.


"What the heck you doing?" he asks.


"Hanging myself," the blond replies.


"It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.


"I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."



(Now this one actually makes sense...lol)


An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards


off their boats?"


To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the


boat."

 

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the[/FONT] Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. [/FONT]

 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.


3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.