Joke of the Day

So how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?








wait for it






give the b%&ch a shovel.

 

Why is a Philipina like a hurricane?





'Cause at first they blow like crazy, then when it's all over your house is gone

 

What's 6 inches long and hasn't been sucked in about 5 months??

Whitney Houston's crack pipe

 

A blind guy wanders into the wrong bar - an all-female bar.
He says, "Hey, barkeep - wanna hear a good blonde joke?"
"OK, Cowboy," the lady next to him says, "before you start, since you're blind, I think it only fair to warn you of 5 things:
1. The bartender is a blonde;
2. The bouncer is a blonde;
... 3. The lady on my left is a blonde, and has a black belt in karate;
4. The lady on your right is a blonde, and a WWF Wrestling champ;
5. I, myself, am a six-foot blonde, and a martial arts instructor.
Now tell me, cowboy, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy thinks a moment, then replies, "Well... No... not if I'm gonna hafta explain it 5 times!"

 

That was damn good, ha im gonna remember this one.

Thank you sir!

 

Question: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
Answer: Redhead won’t accept a three and a half inch

Question: What’s the difference between a redhead and a lawyer?
Answer: There’s some things even a lawyer won’t do to people.

Question: How do you know when you’ve satisfied a redhead?
Answer: She unties you

Question: What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
Answer: The piranha. They only attack in schools

Question: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a ginger?
Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist!

Question: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Answer: Normal


Ginger Kid

After their baby was born, a panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!!’
‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said’. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’
‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted.’????? ?’This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’
‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ‘
The man seemed a bit ashamed . ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.’
‘Well, there you have it!’ The doctor said confidently. ‘It’s rust.’

 

Husband Down in Isle 5
> A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
> The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
> "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
> "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
> A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
> "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
> Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
> He never knew what hit him.

 

Gentle exercise for the more mature. I tried it, I liked it, you will too!​

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The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.​

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!​

SCROLL DOWN.............



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NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. ​

​

Great job.

Have a glass of wine.​

​

 

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course
and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

 

hmmm, am I missing something, I dont get it?

 

The priest was calling the guy a bastard

 

There was this one time two thai girls asked me to go to bed with them.
They said it would be just like winning the lottery!
Of course I agreed and it turns out they were quite right...
Once we'd stripped off, to my horror, we had six matching balls!



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.
I went to my local pet shop and they were $50.
"Screw that", I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."



So, I got myself a job as a hostage negotiators and one day tried to phone in sick. Wouldn't you know, they talked me out of it!

 

During my routine check-up today everything seemed to going fine until he shoved his finger up my behind! Should i change dentists?




A buddy of mine sent off a photo of his wife to a local tv station for a new program they were starting. A few days later, they sent it back pointing out that the program was actually to be called 'The Big Fact Hunt'.




I went to a costume party the other night. I turned up with a girl on my back and at the door i was asked "What have you come as"? I said i was a ninja turtle and then i was questioned about the girl. I said "Thats Michelle"!

 

This proves that caliber is not as important as shot placement.

This reliable Beretta Jetfire .22 Short pistol is a personal favorite of mine and I am never without it.

It saved my life a few years ago when attacked by a Grizzly bear while hiking in the mountains with a family member.

I was able to escape, walking at a brisk pace, after I shot my brother-in-law in the knee.

 

The wife left a note on our fridge ...

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mom's!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the Beer was cold ...

God only knows what she was talking about!!

 

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the catholic priest masturbating







He said, "What are you doing father?"







"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."





"Why father ?" he asked




"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest said..