Joke of the Day

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but . . . your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.



"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."



The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?



"Yes, I have," says the man.


"And has she helped you make a decision?"


"Yes," says the man.


"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite countertops."

 

Tough-Harley-Guy Legend...






On January 9th, a group of Pekin Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.



















George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"








She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed !!!

 

Toothbrushes


*LITTLE JOHNNY*

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,


"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said,


"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.


"$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,


"What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny,


"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"


Then I would say,


"It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?


I used the President Obama method of giving you something really shitty,


dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and


then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

 

Two Morons




YA GOTTA LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING
These two are morons and an embarrassment to the USA !
Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards! '

You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing yet.

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.





A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden,



'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '


And these two guys are running our country,

OH MY SOUL!

Passed on to you without further comment...

Now you do the same.







​

 

Funny but it's not true. See link below.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp

 

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .

Spellings have been left intact..... ​

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the shits. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
























​

​

 

You have two chairs, chair A has a penis on it, chair B has a pie on it. You have to sit on one and eat the other. What order would you choose?

 

And to answer your question, I'd take the pie and GTFO!

 

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...........

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.





But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.






The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.






After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."






Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.





The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.






There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

 

Some funny shit here. Too much for me to copy it all over to TW. Enjoy
http://www.womenbelonginthekitchen.com/page/9

 

The Penis Study.
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

 

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked
David Letterman

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said.
Mark Twain

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire .Goddammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

My uncle was lucky.He had a rabbits foot for 30 years. His other foot was normal.
Tom Griffin.

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Italian proverb

Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
Farmers almanac.


The average person thinks he isn't.
Larry Lorenzoni

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A true friend is one who stabs you in the front.
Oscar Wilde

You know you're a red neck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, its either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Phillip

Two heads are better than one, unless they are on the same body.
Harry Hershfield

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Shwartzenegger.

I was so poor that if I woke up on Christmas without an erection, I had nothing to play with.
Frank McCourt


I was once so poor that I didn't know where my next husband was coming from.
Mae west


We are here on earth to do good upon others, what the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

I would like to live in Manchester, the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Mark twain

The problem with the French is they don't have a word for entrepreneur.
George w Bush.

In hotel rooms I worry, I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

Some mornings its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips.

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson



Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante.

When they circumcised you they threw away the wrong bit.
David Lloyd Jones.

I said to my husband. 'why don't you call out my name when we were making love?' He said , ' I don't want to wake you up!'
Joan Rivers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind, - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
What happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
Johnathan Winters

The future isn't what it used to be..
Yogi Berra

 

Newfie Orgasm Secret.

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community. After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax at least once in a while. To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Baie Verte Peninsula . The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:"And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel!"

 

I Went out last night, and got really wasted.
I woke up next to a fat chick, who was snoring and farting.


At least I got home OK!!




The wife's back on the warpath again,


Last night she was up for making a "home movie"!


All I did, was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part.




I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.


My next dump could spell disaster.




My stunning sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.


It was my own fault,



I should have taken them off.








I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.


Or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it.




After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.



But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.


So I thought, fuck it, I'll soldier on.




I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.


I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!


I panicked; I didn’t know what to do.



Then I remembered that Timmies serves breakfast until 11.30.




A man is seeking to join the Winnipeg Police force.


The Sergeant doing the interview says:



"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take, before you can be accepted."


Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six, and a rabbit"


The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"



"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"




Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.



Took her to the fair last night.


It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

 

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

 

When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

 

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
...
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

 

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confessional box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."