Joke of the Day

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

 

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large. Break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!

 

TRUE STORY:

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
... Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

 

Sex jokes aren't funny!
I mean cum on guys.

 

I guy goes to see his doctor. After the doctor evaluates the patient, the doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you this but you have alzheimers, and cancer". The patient goes quiet for a minute then says "well, at least I don't have alzheimers!"





























The only funny jokes I know aren't allowed here

 

1 . Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

11. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

16. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

17. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

18. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.

19. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

20. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
yellow, orange or sky blue.

21. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

22. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

23. Never wear a man bag to work.

24. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

Sincerely,
The International Council of Man Laws

 

They're more like guidelines than laws

 

They are set in stone.

Sincerely,
The International Council of Man Laws

 

#18.....every time......

 

The Bacon Tree​

​

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.​

​

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:​

​

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."​

​

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."​

​

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.​

​

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.​

​

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"​

​

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?​

​

We ees in the desert don't forget."​

​

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?​

​

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"​

​

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.​

​

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.​

​

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:​

​

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"​

​

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"​

​

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...​

​

Ees...​

​

Ees...​

​

Ees...​

​

Ees...​

​

Ees...​

​

Ees... a ham bush."​

 

Jarge, from Newfoundland appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant,
The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
You've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Yes, Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

​

"I ain't gatta a clue," said Jarge,
''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home ​

in Carner Brook." ​

Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."

Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Yes it is, Buy"

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, ​

"Cuckoo is the correct answer!​

Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"

The next night,
Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Charlie ole cock?
How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"​

 

Wife calls husband at work on a cold winters day in December and the following message transpired.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

>>may take a couple minutes for some of you to get<<

 

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, yo...u couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if... you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

 

One night a man breaks into a house and is in the middle of stealing the home entertainment centre, when out of nowhere he hears, 'Jesus is watching'.
This totally spooks him so he searches around with his flashlight.up in the corner he finds a birdcage with a parrot inside. Relieved, he says pretty birdie,' to which the parrot replies, Jesus is watching'. The thief asks the bird what his name is and the bird says, 'Moses'. The thief says what a silly name for a bird. The bird replies, 'you think that's funny, the rottweilers name is Jesus.'

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board ...loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

We all know those cute little
computer symbols called
'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here it goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
... (_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_()_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"