Joke of the Day

There are three rings in marriage:


1st is the engagement ring


2nd is the wedding ring





























3rd is the suffer-ring

 

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

 

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get
an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next
room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the
morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first
whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

 

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller...?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn’t answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I’d heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.

 

Being correct ​

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.' ​

You must now refer to them as ​

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . ​

And furthermore ​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ​

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' – ​

She is a ​

' BREASTED AMERICAN. ' ​

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is ​

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..' ​

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a ​

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..' ​

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a ​

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' ​

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ​

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' ​

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ​

' LOW COST PROVIDER.' ​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ​

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a ​

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' ​

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ​

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' ​

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ​

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' ​

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in ​

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' ​

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of ​

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' ​

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's ​

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..' ​

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

 

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied, "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said, "Watson, you are an idiot, it means that somebody have stolen our tent."

 

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each." Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take them back to Long Beach , sell them to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talking, because if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl, so they don't know we is from Mississippi ." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Are you from Mississippi , aren`t you?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry cleaners"

 

“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.​

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.​

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.​

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.​

“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.​

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.​

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......​

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,​

​

“You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"​

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

So, this baby seal walk into a club.

 

Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: Better grip on the broom stick

 

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

 

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

 

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

A little boy was doing his Math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...

His mother heard what he was saying and gasp, What are you doing ?

The little boy answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?

Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math ?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, and are you teaching them to say two plus two that son of a bitch is four ?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.