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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Mar 7, 2013 at 7:57 AM
    #1921
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more.
    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:
    "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
    The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
    More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.
    The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
    Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...... "Screw the Preacher."
     
  2. Mar 7, 2013 at 2:19 PM
    #1922
    johneman

    johneman Life is good relaxin' on the porch!!

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    Go Rhino Dominator D1 step, Extang Encore Tonneau.
    This morning as I was eating breakfast and reading the newspaper, I started to cry and the wife asked me what was wrong...I told her that I just saw the date and she said sooo and I said that I just realized that if I had killed her 20 years ago I would be getting out TODAY.
     
  3. Mar 8, 2013 at 2:50 AM
    #1923
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

    A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."
     
  4. Mar 12, 2013 at 1:52 PM
    #1924
    T-Rex266

    T-Rex266 SpaceX Director Moderator

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  5. Mar 12, 2013 at 4:22 PM
    #1925
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
     
  6. Mar 12, 2013 at 4:28 PM
    #1926
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Children in the front seat of a car can cause accident. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.
     
  7. Mar 12, 2013 at 4:30 PM
    #1927
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, excersize, and other things. Her final question to the dietician sparked interest in him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?"

    "Why?" he replied. She explained some of the things she liked to do.

    After thinking a minute he said,"I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
     
  8. Mar 12, 2013 at 4:31 PM
    #1928
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
    Her feet!
     
  9. Mar 24, 2013 at 5:09 PM
    #1929
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
     
  10. Mar 24, 2013 at 5:10 PM
    #1930
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
     
  11. Mar 24, 2013 at 5:12 PM
    #1931
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A man came home to find
    his wife in bed with his friend,"What's going on here?" demanded
    the husband."See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he
    was stupid."
     
  12. Mar 24, 2013 at 5:39 PM
    #1932
    jgwheeler17

    jgwheeler17 I'm a zit. Get it?

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    neglect, mostly.
    reminds me of this joke--
    some elementary school kids were in class one day and a some glue was spilled on the table during craft time. johnny tells susie to go and "get a damp rag"

    susie goes up to the teacher and says that johnny is cursing. she walks up to johnny and asks what he said. johnny explains and the teacher realizes the mistake and ask susie "susie, when youre mother tells you to go get a damp rag, what does she mean?"

    susie replies "that means she wants that rag right now!!"

    ;)
     
  13. Mar 24, 2013 at 8:34 PM
    #1933
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can
     
  14. Mar 26, 2013 at 7:30 AM
    #1934
    BrokenTusk

    BrokenTusk I support a velociraptor free workplace.

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    > > The Scottish Brothel
    > >
    > > The madam opened the brothel door in Aberdeen and
    > > saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties
    > > or early
    > > fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man
    > > replied, "I want to see Suzy."
    > >
    > > "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
    > > Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
    > >
    > > He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
    > >
    > > Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man
    > > she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
    > > thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went
    > > upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man
    > > appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
    > >
    > > Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two
    > > nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The
    > > price is still £5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to
    > > Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
    > >
    > > The following night the man was there yet again.
    > > Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
    > > he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
    > >
    > > After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one
    > > has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
    > >
    > > The man replied, " Edinburgh."
    > >
    > > "Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
    > >
    > > "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I
    > > am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
    > >
    > > The moral of the story is that three things in life
    > > are certain:
    > > 1. Death
    > > 2. Taxes
    > > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
     
  15. Mar 26, 2013 at 12:54 PM
    #1935
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
    His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
    "Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
    So what say the friends, flip her over.
    "Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
    "Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
    "Halitosis" the man says.
    "Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
    "Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
     
  16. Mar 26, 2013 at 1:11 PM
    #1936
    OffroadToy

    OffroadToy pull my finger

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  17. Mar 26, 2013 at 2:44 PM
    #1937
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession.
    "Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key."
    "That bastard!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."
     
  18. Mar 26, 2013 at 3:29 PM
    #1938
    BamaToy1997

    BamaToy1997 Wheel Bearing Master

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    best wheel bearings around! www.marionbumper2bumper.com
    Sally comes home from school one day crying her eyes out, and bawling like never before. She runs up the stairs, flies into her bedroom, slamming the door, and collapses on her bed. He mom comes upstairs, knocks on her door and asks her what is wrong.
    "Go away," Sally says. "I don't want to talk about it!"
    Sally's mom opens the door anyway, and sits beside her daughter, placing a comforting hand on her back.
    "Sally," she says, It will all be ok. Just tell me what is wrong. It' can't be that bad sweetheart."
    Sally sits up, sniffling, wipes the tears from her eyes and says "Well today was sex education class."
    Sally's mom puts a knowing smile on her face. She knows what is going on now.
    "So what is wrong Hun? It is a natural part of life, and when you get old enough to understand it, you will be just fine," said Sally's mother in a comforting voice.
    "It's NOT going to be ok!" Sally cried out. "The teacher says that nine months after a boy puts his thing in a girl, a baby comes out the same place!"
    Slightly concerned that her daughter may have already been having sex she says to her, "Well, yes that is right. Why are you so upset? If you are pregnant we can take care of things. It will be difficult, but we are a strong family"
    "But Momma," Sally says, "I am just worried that my teeth are gonna get knocked out and I won't have this pretty smile anymore!"

    :rimshot:
     
  19. Mar 26, 2013 at 4:42 PM
    #1939
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line...you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
    After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
    MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
     
  20. Mar 27, 2013 at 4:01 AM
    #1940
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Too funny
     

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