1. Welcome to Tacoma World!

    You are currently viewing as a guest! To get full-access, you need to register for a FREE account.

    As a registered member, you’ll be able to:
    • Participate in all Tacoma discussion topics
    • Communicate privately with other Tacoma owners from around the world
    • Post your own photos in our Members Gallery
    • Access all special features of the site

Kdoggs...WALK OF SHAME

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by neontrail, May 11, 2009.

  1. May 11, 2009 at 2:07 PM
    #1
    neontrail

    neontrail [OP] ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Member:
    #5844
    Messages:
    10,128
    Gender:
    Male
    Idaho
    Vehicle:
    2004 NISSAN XTERRA XE/SE
    De-badged, Tint 20%, Blue 48 LED dome-light, .......
    My friend Kieran posted this on his myspace a while back, thought it was funny enough to share and post here... Dam he writes well..enjoy

    Its long, but worth the read...

    Kdoggs.....WALK OF SHAME!!!!!!!!!
    I feel compelled to share with you the adventure of my distressing return flight from Atlanta to Seattle. To fully appreciate the magnitude of the distress, some background is necessary.

    For late lunch yesterday, I consumed a prodigious plate of chili nachos with extra jalapenos and 2 Cokes. I then had a big-ass glass of Starbucks (strong) coffee at about 5 pm. Later that evening, at about 10pm, I ate a late dinner--chicken quesadillas, again with extra jalapenos, and, most regrettably as it turns out, washed them down with 4 pints of Guinness.
    I then woke up early this morning for my 8:55 flight. I grabbed a quick breakfast (bacon, sausage orange juice and eggs w/ jalapenos), then proceeded to grab another big glass of Starbucks coffee on the way to the airport. I felt my first twinges of what would become an in-flight disaster as I waited at the gate. Still, as a seasoned veteran of assessing the severity of such a condition, who normally eschews the dirty facilities available in the terminal, I believed things would remain stable throughout what I believed was a 5 hour flight back to Seattle.

    We boarded the flight. Then we pushed back from the gate with seat belts fastened, the pilot announced that this was actually going to be a 7-hour flight and I simultaneously felt the first cramp. I knew I had made a terrible, terrible mistake, an error in judgment so profound that its costs would have to be borne by not only myself, but by many others--strangers--with whom I shared the main cabin. As I scrolled in my mind through the potentially devastating and mortifying outcomes...the end result of the short fuse suddenly ignited by the percolation of my foolishly volatile culinary choices...my heart began to race and I began to sweat.
    We taxied at a snail's pace across the tarmac, having already been warned to stay in our seats. My seat, quickly becoming, quite literally, the hot seat, was the middle seat of three on the right side of the packed main cabin. Even an F.A.A. rule-violating, potentially security-breaching dash to the lavatory would have been almost impossible given the girth and frailty of the elderly lady sitting to my left on the aisle (her name was Rachel). I noticed my breaths becoming short and quick. My chest was pounding, my hands wet. What began as an innocent (and admittedly typical) case of sudden onset, acute colonic emergency was quickly becoming a full-fledged panic attack.

    As the cruelly calm-sounding captain's voice advised us of at least a 50 minute traffic delay, I was doubled over with the labor pains of my overdue malignant offspring. Are those contractions, I wondered? The cramps and panic were also making me feel quite queasy, and I begin shuffling though the seat back contents, pretending I was looking for the in-flight magazine. Just my luck, no vomit bag in front of me. I could see the tabs from a vomit bag behind the magazines in front of the Rachel. Do I pull the bag out in front of her now and risk a full row panic or do I wait until the last minute, risking even worse results?
    The dilemma had mercifully, yet only briefly distracted me from the other impending disaster. Owwwww. Another contraction. I had to face the reality that I may actually crap my pants.

    It is difficult to explain, but there was simply no way I could get up, despite the grave consequences to all of remaining seated. I began to mentally shuffle outrageous, desperate ideas. Had a vomit bag ever been used for that purpose? Any way to subtly defecate into a small bag while sharing armrests with two other people? Not likely, given the expected explosiveness and utter foulness of the release.

    Ugh, I now felt more nauseous than ever. I may need to keep that bag in front of me. Why is there only one vomit bag for three people? One bag is woefully inadequate for the middle-seat pivot.

    My heart and mind continued to race. There had to be an innovative way to save the day using the implements around me. I felt like an incontinent MacGyver. My suitcase (containing a change of clothes) was just above in the overhead compartment, I was luckily wearing jeans (better containment) instead of slacks, and I had a wetnap in my briefcase. Could I coyly shit my pants now, then clean up later?

    No!!....No good!! It would undoubtedly exceed the storage capacity of my jeans. To sum up the state of my desperation at that point, I actually found myself cursing under my breath that I could not figure out a way to crap my pants. Thankfully, the plane was starting to take off. I had somehow forestalled the catastrophic events and inevitable scandal which would have finally forced Continental Airlines into bankruptcy. While I suspected I had not achieved 100% containment, it already could have been much, much worse. I was beginning to have some hope that the doomsday scenarios could be averted. Nevertheless, I knew the voiding process was irreversibly engaged. Resolved that complete victory was no longer an option, I focused on mitigating personal and collateral damage.
    Maybe it was the sharpening of my senses due to my body's fight-or-flight response, but ...............I'm beginning to smell poo.?.?.?

    That was it. Despite the fact that the seatbelt light remained illuminated and even the fight attendants had not yet been given permission to begin service, the time was now. In a surprisingly level tone, I leaned to my left toward Rachel and stated, "I really need to get up." She began fidgeting with her carryons and fumbling with her seatbelt. Any further delay at this stage, after I had already made up my mind to make the dash, threatened an eruption that would rival Mount St. Helens. I could not wait another nanosecond.

    With an amazing, adrenaline-inspired move that was both athletic and graceful, I somehow simultaneously rose from my seat, twisted and stepped over the lady with my right leg first, jerking my left leg over as well. I landed with both feet in the aisle, in a fluid motion headed toward the back of the plane--all this without touching Rachel and with only modest further loss of containment.

    I encountered a flight attendant who was seated adjacent to the lavatories who began "Sir, you cannot...." My countenance somehow fully briefed her on my state of affairs. She said, "OK, go ahead...but be careful." As I stepped in, I wondered what she meant by that.
    The lavatory experience was violent and appalling. All preemptive or simultaneous flushing strategies were futile given the toilet's design. There would be no minimizing the stench. Maybe it was the sense of relief, or perhaps simply the noxiousness of the fumes, but I was suddenly giggling audibly???

    Finishing up 15 minutes later, any giddiness subsided as I discovered that the volume of the surprisingly tacky produce had not only refused to whisk away with blue water, but had also pinned back the toilet's flap, effectively venting into the plane all the contents of tank (for most of which I'm sure I bore responsibility). There was nothing else I could do. I knew the plane's confined space combined with the re-circulating of the air would make for a very unpleasant flight, especially for those passengers in the back. I pulled myself together, washed up and prepared for my walk of shame (less one inconspicuously disposed undergarment.)
    Although no one actually stared at me on the way back to my seat, the flight attendant, who was now up and about, asked me audibly if I was OK, prompting a few quick glances from some who had not even noticed my prompt departure. I could still smell it, 12 rows up. I was hoping it was just stuck in my nasal membranes. As I climbed back over Rachel, she also asked if I was OK. She had to smell it...I had to straddle her twice to crawl over her for godssake. I decided the only strategy was to pretend to be asleep until everything settled, which I did.

    After about 10 more minutes, one of the male flight attendants came over the intercom and announced that there had been a malfunction in both(?)rear lavatories and that, while they were worked to correct on the problem, everyone would have to use the front lavatory. As I sat there pretending to be asleep, feeling people's eyes on me, I swear this is exactly what that flight attendant said next, "Those passengers toward the rear of the aircraft may have noticed an unpleasant smell. For those passengers who are sensitive to this or who may have weak stomachs, let us know and we will do our best to relocate you toward the front of the aircraft, at least until the problem is corrected."
    Although they announced the lavatories "repaired" after about 15 more minutes, I continued "sleeping" for at least two hours (despite the nagging sensation that the entire process was on the verge of repeating itself). After that, I have spent the rest of the time with my head down typing this email.
     
  2. May 11, 2009 at 2:16 PM
    #2
    Jester243

    Jester243 mod status????

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2008
    Member:
    #7552
    Messages:
    9,996
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Dan
    Spokane, WA
    Vehicle:
    2016 Trail Premium 4Runner w/ KDSS
  3. May 11, 2009 at 2:18 PM
    #3
    BSPDX

    BSPDX Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2009
    Member:
    #16048
    Messages:
    2,074
    Gender:
    Male
  4. May 11, 2009 at 2:18 PM
    #4
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Member:
    #6497
    Messages:
    106,148
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  5. May 11, 2009 at 2:18 PM
    #5
    neontrail

    neontrail [OP] ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Member:
    #5844
    Messages:
    10,128
    Gender:
    Male
    Idaho
    Vehicle:
    2004 NISSAN XTERRA XE/SE
    De-badged, Tint 20%, Blue 48 LED dome-light, .......
    its worth the long read aint it?? LOL
     
  6. May 11, 2009 at 2:21 PM
    #6
    BSPDX

    BSPDX Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2009
    Member:
    #16048
    Messages:
    2,074
    Gender:
    Male
    Long read... But, yes it was well worth the time spent!
    :thumbsup:
     
  7. May 11, 2009 at 2:24 PM
    #7
    schenka

    schenka Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2009
    Member:
    #16313
    Messages:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Vehicle:
    09 DC LB 4WD
    Hilarious!!
     
  8. May 11, 2009 at 2:25 PM
    #8
    hillbillytaco

    hillbillytaco HOT!!

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2008
    Member:
    #9647
    Messages:
    2,385
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jeremy
    westbyGodvirginia
    Vehicle:
    06 impulse red trd off road dc v6 6spd
    holy shit (no pun intended) i haven't laughed that hard in a long time! my wife and kids think that i have totally lost my mind good laugh! rep for sharing
     
  9. May 11, 2009 at 2:51 PM
    #9
    eordonez

    eordonez Living vicariously through mjp2

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2008
    Member:
    #5340
    Messages:
    8,341
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Ed
    Chihuahua, Mexico
    Vehicle:
    TRD Sport Dcab 4x2 Black Sand Pearl
    OEM All Weather Mats, wheel locks, Toyota Silver Tube steps.....
    Holy shit! damn jalapeños!
     
  10. May 11, 2009 at 3:14 PM
    #10
    badguybuster

    badguybuster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2009
    Member:
    #14475
    Messages:
    2,437
    Gender:
    Male
    West (by GOD) Virginia
    Vehicle:
    2008 Tundra Off Road SR5
    6000K HID Headlights 6000k HID Fog Lights Window visors (all 4) Tri-Fold Tonno Bedlined Rockers Bedlined Bumpers Bilstein 5100 Toytec 1/2" spacers 3" TSB Leafs and AAL's (Toytec) Differential 1" Drop Sway Bar Relocators BHLM Mod Debadged Pro Comp 7089s Hankook Dynapro 35" M/T's Billett Grill 55 watt fog lights in grill 55 watt fog lights on Pre-Runner Light Bar Rear Bilstein 5100's Flowmaster Super 10's Yellow Fog Light Mod Titanium Burl Wood Grain Dash Mod Leather Arm Rest Mod TRD Steering wheel Mod Painted Engine Cover Painted Fuse Box TRD Seat Belt Covers Bed Light Mod Extended/Braided Brake Lines Back up light mod
    :crapstorm:



    :anonymous:

    Enough said.
     
  11. May 11, 2009 at 3:24 PM
    #11
    Pster

    Pster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2008
    Member:
    #7654
    Messages:
    2,745
    Gender:
    Male
    Charlotte, NC
    Vehicle:
    2006 Tacoma 4x4
    Bak Flip bed cover, shorty antenna, Peripheral iPod interface, Garmin 750 mount, add'l bed tie down rings, Westin nerf bars, hitch safe, tailgate lock, Ideal 1 3/4" turn-key clamp to secure tailgate from removal, Spare tire security cable, spare tire stainless air hose extender, Fumoto oil drain valve, Amp Research Bed X-Tender w/Schlage Cable Lock, bed mat, Redline hood struts
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    :crapstorm::crapstorm::crapstorm::crapstorm::crapstorm:
     
  12. May 11, 2009 at 3:58 PM
    #12
    ImpulseRed008

    ImpulseRed008 Gone But Not Forgotten

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2008
    Member:
    #9104
    Messages:
    42,597
    Gender:
    Female
    First Name:
    Susan
    SC
    Vehicle:
    08 PreRunner SR5 V6 w/tow pkg
    OEM SS tube steps, Access LE tonneau cover, pop n'lock, AVS in-channel vent visors, stubby antenna, Wet Okole seat covers, bed mat, rear diff breather mod, 4 extra d rings in bed, K&N air filter.
  13. May 11, 2009 at 7:11 PM
    #13
    neontrail

    neontrail [OP] ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Member:
    #5844
    Messages:
    10,128
    Gender:
    Male
    Idaho
    Vehicle:
    2004 NISSAN XTERRA XE/SE
    De-badged, Tint 20%, Blue 48 LED dome-light, .......
  14. May 11, 2009 at 7:47 PM
    #14
    squad314

    squad314 Thinks he's Steve McQueen

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2007
    Member:
    #3665
    Messages:
    2,555
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Marc
    Into the mystic....(foggy Saint John, NB)
    Vehicle:
    TRD Sport+Leather 4x4
    Front 5100's @2.5", Rear 5125's with AAL. Light Racing UCA's, Factory hood deflector, Sirius Sportster 5, TRD air filter, Weathertech's f&r, "Hello Kitty" steering wheel cover.
    That was great,thanks Neon.:D:laugh:
     
  15. May 11, 2009 at 8:06 PM
    #15
    RelentlessFab

    RelentlessFab Tacoma offroad armor fabricating beast Vendor

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2008
    Member:
    #4772
    Messages:
    14,183
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Eric
    Eastern side of the Sierras: Sparks, NV
    Vehicle:
    07 SR5 4x4> 03 SR5 4x4 total> 14 Crewmax TRD
    Had tons on the old Taco's.... new Tundra is pretty stock
    Thats some funny shit! He's a really good writer too.
     
  16. May 12, 2009 at 7:51 AM
    #16
    neontrail

    neontrail [OP] ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈ ✈

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Member:
    #5844
    Messages:
    10,128
    Gender:
    Male
    Idaho
    Vehicle:
    2004 NISSAN XTERRA XE/SE
    De-badged, Tint 20%, Blue 48 LED dome-light, .......

    lol, my pleasure :D
     
  17. May 12, 2009 at 7:59 AM
    #17
    oldtacomaguy

    oldtacomaguy four forty four

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Member:
    #444
    Messages:
    10,030
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Dave
    SE Conn.
    Vehicle:
    08 SR-5 4WD Impulse Red Pearl
    Alpine deck and amp, Polk speakers front and rear, Kenwood subwoofer, windows tinted to 20%, Sockmonkey decals, TSB, Eibach springs and Bilstein 5100's
    Poor bastard! But it was a real good read.
     
  18. May 12, 2009 at 8:00 AM
    #18
    Ghost96Romeo

    Ghost96Romeo What is the Search Tab for????

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2008
    Member:
    #10228
    Messages:
    1,961
    Gender:
    Male
    Texas
    Vehicle:
    06 TRD Off-Road D-Cab
    3" Pro-Comp Suspension Lift AAL Rear w/TSB, All-Pro Plate Bumper, Lightforce 240 Blitz lights, Lund Genesis Roll-top Bed cover, K&N Filters, Spidertrax Wheel spacers, Built-by-Me Rock Sliders, Jeep Tow-Hook, Black Leather seats, 48"Hi-Lift Jack mounted in the bed, Blacked out TRD Rims, BHLM, FLM..... and Awesomeness
  19. May 12, 2009 at 8:01 AM
    #19
    neslerrah

    neslerrah Taco lovin'

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2008
    Member:
    #4803
    Messages:
    6,743
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Harrelsen
    Tucson
    Vehicle:
    5 lug BEAST!
    Secondary air filter removed, elbow mod, BFG T/A KO (31x10.5R15), 15" American Racing Mojaves, BHLM, Dome Light MOD (Blue), Pioneer headunit, Sockmonkey 'TACOMA' Decals, Readylift 5-lug SST, Rear Shocks - Bilstein TRD, Dynomax Super Turbo #17748, DDM Slim Ballast HID Kit H4 Hi/Lo -35W 6000K in headlights, Apexcone Raptor HID Kit H3 - 35W 6000K in Hella 500s, aFe CAI #51-10762, WeatherTech Floorliner, 200W Smart AC Inverter
  20. May 12, 2009 at 8:18 AM
    #20
    Pster

    Pster Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2008
    Member:
    #7654
    Messages:
    2,745
    Gender:
    Male
    Charlotte, NC
    Vehicle:
    2006 Tacoma 4x4
    Bak Flip bed cover, shorty antenna, Peripheral iPod interface, Garmin 750 mount, add'l bed tie down rings, Westin nerf bars, hitch safe, tailgate lock, Ideal 1 3/4" turn-key clamp to secure tailgate from removal, Spare tire security cable, spare tire stainless air hose extender, Fumoto oil drain valve, Amp Research Bed X-Tender w/Schlage Cable Lock, bed mat, Redline hood struts

    Been there and ALMOST done that!!!! :eek:
     
To Top