Life improvement thread

This man was my internet friend. He passed a few weeks ago.

Please read this.
https://www.newamericandigest.com/the-man-who-carried-the-dark-lantern/

 

I can only speak for myself and share my experience (as a real alcoholic/addict according to the Big Book of AA) No amount of exercise, diet, priests, preachers, doctors, therapy, moving etc alone was going to keep me sober. Those can be great additions to the solution, but I was beyond human aide. AA was instrumental in helping me (and many many others) develop a relationship with a creator. The drinking/using problem was removed when I worked the steps with a sponsor.

I don’t believe AA is the only way to achieve true sobriety, but I believe it to be the most successful and least problematic. When I first stepped into AA I couldn’t imagine a month of sobriety. It’s been 10.5 years now and I can safely say it is much more difficult to get sober than to stay sober. If you found time to drink you can find time for a meeting. What’s the worst that could happen? You find out you’re not a real alcoholic?

 

There have been several studies that show that only about 10% of men have any REAL friends. Totally get that. However, TW is a great place to start! I see you are in Springfield, OR. There are a number of active groups in the PNW. Threads are below. And if you need a KD Max tune for your Tacoma, Anthony will be in Eugene in March. Even if you don't get a tune, it is great way to meet new people who share similar interests. And getting out in the woods 4 wheeling is always theraputic.

Oregon | Tacoma World
North West | Tacoma World

KDMax

 

I know that feeling well. I've been there the majority of my life, and I've almost checked myself out more than once.

I can count on one hand the number of friends I have, and the same for those I thought were friends and rolled me for it. I don't trust, anymore. I feel like everything is conditional, and at any moment I won't meet somebody's conditions and I'll be screwed all over again.

I truly do understand, so don't take this as coming from somebody who has never been there. I'm still there, everyday. That said, I know everyone deals with stuff differently, but I recognized that something had to change.

I had to take an look at my situation and evaluate what I can control. Then, looking at those things I objectively evaluated what things I can control were not helpful or actually harmful. What problems was I creating for myself. Sure, life's miserable, but I don't have to make it worse, for myself or others.

For that to work, I have to be in control, so that means no substance that inhibits control is allowed. Not easy. For all my hatred of alcohol, there are so many days that I just want to drink myself into oblivion for an escape. But it's not an escape. I'm still me, with all the same problems, but adding booze to it just makes it harder to address anything. Recognizing that, I can't do it. I can't pour salt in the wound. I may hate myself, but I'm not a masochist.

I truly believe 2 things that help.

First, this isn't all there is. We are more than just accidents of the universe, and there is a life after this one. We are here to learn and struggle so we all have problems, but we are uniquely equipped to learn and deal with them in this life. When we die, we are still who we were in life with the same struggles and weaknesses, but less able to change things. Dying won't fix anything or end it. It'll just make it harder to deal with. So I have to do something.

That brings me to the second thing. I am where I am because of choices I have made. I have created my problems. They are my fault. This is vital, because if I caused my problems then I can damn sure do something about them. If it's just the world's/society's/anyone else's fault, I'm fucked because I am powerless. That's not true of anyone. No one is powerless.

So, I decided to make changes. I falter. I struggle. I fall into gloomy depressions, all the time. It's uphill the whole way, but I keep going. The first thing was faking it. I smile. I crack jokes. I laugh when all I want to do is hide away and wallow in it, praying I don't wake up. Hoping for relief. Well, after faking it long enough, and forcing laughs and smiles, I realized that once in a while I wasn't faking it. Somehow there was a little bit of light that crept in. That's all it is. Just a little, but it's enough to keep moving.

Things can get better, but only if we take personal responsibility for the things we can control. We all have control over more than we admit, because owning it means we can't take the easy path of the victim. For all the struggles and hardship of personal responsibility, it is also the only way to not be a miserable, powerless, useless person.

And a dog is the perfect example of love. No matter what, a dog will love you, so there's something good in you. Focus on it. Build on it. Not for anyone else, but for yourself and to be worthy of that unconditional love that is expressed through a dog. Don't hang your happiness on other people, or you'll never be happy. You have to be able to stand alone, and that will naturally bring better people into your life.

 

Preaching baby!

Bottle gets me thru most nights too. There is no future in this world.

 

You are very insightful. While I am not an addict myself, I am the product of an alcoholic, the wife of an alcoholic (recently started drinking again), and the mother of a son who struggled with addiction and lost the battle 6 short months ago. My baby was 13 days out of rehab when it happened. He was clean at the time, but as a result of years of being an addict, didn’t trust he’d stay sober. He didn’t want to put his family through anymore pain and he was in pain himself. He fought as long as he could and I think he was tired of trying. I’ll never be mad at him nor will I ever think what he did was selfish. I know him, he was protecting his family that he loved so much. It was selfless. I read this thread to help me understand…. Not just my baby, but my husband too. I do go to counseling and recently started Al anon meetings. I feel like any info I can get my hands on is helpful.


Thank you all for sharing. It helps more than just the alcoholic. ❤️


Anyone know if there are any Al anon type threads on here?

 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have two little ones now and I can’t even handle the thought of something happening to them much less the reality.

I know exactly how your son felt, however as I was in a similar place at the end. I had been homeless, watched a guy die, been through multiple treatment facilities, and just gotten kicked out of my third halfway house and this was by age 21. The drugs hadn’t worked for a long time. I knew the damage I was doing to family, friends and strangers was wrong, but I couldn’t stop no matter how much I wanted to. I felt hopeless and that I would always be like that. So I decided I would rather die than continue to live like that and set out to do just that.

I don’t pretend to know why some of us make it through this while others don’t. I’m certainly not any more important or special than anyone else, but I will not let this opportunity go to waste. We both have unique stories/experience that can help others through their hard times and maybe that’s the purpose in all of it. To spare another’s suffering is maybe the greatest thing we can do. Wishing you the best.

 

As a momma, I’m so happy to hear things turned out for you. You will never know the hell I live since losing him. Ironically, my husband going back to drinking a month ago, after several bouts of sobriety/relapse, is what pulled me out of the torture of living life after my boy. In a weird twist, it’s what is saving me. Unfortunately, it’s killing him. Dealing with him, and my other kids needing me more than ever now, made me realize I need to dig deep so I could step up and survive. I’ve been working very hard. Some days are easier than others, but every day I try. That’s all I can promise at this point…. That I will continue to try.

There are no guarantees with sobriety…..stay strong❤️

 

That is a hell I hope I never know. Stay strong. Your experience, strength and hope will be able to help others in similar circumstances.

 

Depends, sometimes it works if it's more than just the move. Can't just be that relocation for the most part.

 

Very true, it's not the path for us all. I met someone with 20 years through different methods. But it's a good tool to have in the toolbox, and hell it's free except if you toss a dollar in the hat.

I've long said it's easier to stay straight now versus try any more of the old ways. Some days still do suck but I don't have to drink over it..perhaps because I wasn't a trigger drinker.

 

There is nothing worse than watching your loved ones fall into the self destructive black hole of addiction and be unable to pull them out no matter how hard you try, despite leveraging everything you have to save them. Heartbreaking doesn't even scratch the surface, it tests the absolute depths of your resolve. I'm sorry you have experienced this. While the addicts need to stay strong, the struggles of those in your position are often not discussed/recognized and it is equally if not more important for you to stay strong as well.

 

I try…. Everyday I try. I also have to do a lot of resets. I’ll get it….one day. I know I will always have days where I’m on the floor breaking down, but I realize now… those really intense times…will pass also. Idk what will happen with hubbs, but I can’t be a reason my kids worry or suffer so I need to get it together for them. They’ve been thru enough. My kids are close it age, they were best friends. They are hurting too. They need me.

 

I made it 2 weeks. Decided to reward myself with getting drunk also my bday this week so even more of a reason. Ill go for longer once this shit of a week is over.

 

Congrats on the two weeks, but remember there is always a reason, be it a shitty week or whatnot.

All you need, everyday, is one more day.

 

Agreed. Life will continually throw you special occasions and shitty weeks constantly until the day you die. There’s no good reason to drink if you can’t drink within reason.

 

Unrelated to alcohol, but I always thought life would get easier. “Just get through this one patch.” Spoiler: it never did, and never does.

Easy to dish out advice, much harder to follow.

 

This logic is why some never quit. It's not a reward. It's a failure.

 

I used to reward myself for not drinking by drinking. It’s rather insane when you think about it.

 

I did too. It's how I know it's a failure. I finally decided that my reward for quitting would be better served by continuing to quit.