Probably getting divorced.

So my wifes mother was recently widowed. My wife and I currently live in IL. We are 4 hours from my parents, and 10 hours from her mother. So it's always been kind of nice being somewhat equa-distant from both sets of parents. We only really see each others families a couple times a year. Well, I have known for a long time that she has wanted to move back to Minnesota. Her parents live in International Falls, and her brother and his family in Hibbing. I've visited and it's nice, but very out in the middle of nowhere, especially International Falls. Also, her mother is basically a hoarder, and my mild OCD takes over whenever we visit, because there's maybe 2 places to sit, and it's very dirty. So when her step father went into the hospital a few months ago, she brought up moving up there. The problem is that right now, we, especially me, have good paying jobs with great benefits. I'm not willing to just give those up right now to move in with my mother in law to help her downsize and find somewhere else to move.
However, my wife told me this weekend that she has decided she is moving back up to Minnesota to be closer/with her mom and help her figure things out. I'm not willing to give up my good paying job with good benefits at the drop of a hat like that, to move in with my mother in law, and move 10 hours farther away from my family. I like where we live. It's not the best place in the world, but it's lowish crime, with lots of things around. Up in International Falls, there is a menards a kmart and a mcdonalds. That's it. To find a job similiar to what I have now with the same pay and benefits I'd have to look at least 3 hours away in Duluth.
So when she told me this and I told her I wasn't at a point in my life where I wanted to move and give all that up, we basically ended up deciding that divorce was our only option. I asked her if she was happy in our relationship, and she said not 100%. Which sucks, because I am. We didn't want kids, I get to come and go as I please, and she lets me collect transformers and other action figures, and doesn't say anything about it. In my opinion I had the perfect marriage. But when she said she wasn't 100% happy in the relationship, couple with the fact that she's already decided shes moving back to minnesota, and stated that I couldn't change her mind on that, seems like our only real option is to part ways. Don't know if I'm really looking for advice or just looking for somewhere to vent.
Thanks for listening for what it's worth.

 

I hate that something so small is going to cause a divorce. Subs for the rest when I get home.

 

Sorry to hear man. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Tough spot to be in.

 

Dang man, sorry to hear that. Can't imagine what that decision would be like.

I can only sympathize, but I would guess it comes down to priorities. If your career is more important than your family, gonna be a tough ride.

Maybe your wife could compromise like staying with her mom a couple weekends a month so she doesn't loose her husband. Kinda sucks she is making these decisions without you.

 

Wow. Sorry to hear that.

Have you kicked the idea of her mother moving in/near you? Clean out her place, sell what you can, get rid of the rest, and find her a place close by. I know, easier said than done.

 

It's not that my career is more important, it's just that I've worked hard to get where I am, and I can't imagine just giving up a good paying job to move 10 hours away, to live with my mother in law. Where we would be going from 2 incomes, to NO income. To living in a hoarding situation. I just can't fathom that.

We did, but she doesn't like where we live, and her mother has lived in MN her whole life.

 

I think she checked out of the relationship a while ago. We don't have sex much, but that's a physical issue she has. She has seen a doctor and was going to physical therapy for it, but just stopped for some reason.
She said she has been saving her "allowance" we get each month to be able to afford her car payment.
She asked her mother if she was ready for a roommate and her mother said yes. I think they have been planning this for a few months now.

 

Sad to read this and I'm thinking about you guys. It's a tough spot that you're in and it sounds like she hasn't been honest about things. How can you make her 100% happy when she doesn't let you know what's troubling her. She should put you before her mother and all others but it's clear this is not her way of thinking. In my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there bud.

 

Thats a tough spot man, I hope it all works out. If you two have a really good relationship in most other ways, maybe a seperation or a open relationship might be worth talking about. Me and my partner have talked about situations that might make us live apart for months at a time for my job, but we takked about it before we married. None of these things are easy, but maybe some time for her to focus on her mom and for you to be apart might be the thing to cement what is best for you both. And again, hope it turns out for the best all around.

 

In this case, it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself. Imagine if you'd have given up the job and moved into the new situation, only to be in the same marriage with an unhappy wife who would possibly end up leaving the marriage anyway, and you'd be out of the job you have now.

Sorry to see that turn of events, but hope that it's a blessing to you both. Onward and upward.

 

Although I agree and think she has checked out of the relationship before she even talked to you about it I present this:

Just b/c she is hellbent on moving back that DOES NOT mean there needs to be an automatic divorce!

Did you ever consider that she'd move, hate it, wake up and decide to come back "home"? Perhaps get it out of her system and realize she made a mistake?

Military families live separate all the time due to deployments or certain hardship assignments. Lots of times it makes the family stronger when they return and in some cases it makes the family grow apart and fall apart.

Let the process cycle and see what happens. I suggest you at least have that conversation with her and explore the option of a "trial period" independent living situation.

You have to explore options...brainstorm, work, discuss, listen.

On the other side of the coin: some women just ain't worth a crap (just like some guys aren't).....no offense, but it's true and we all know it!

 

Help her pack, wish her well, and ask her to visit often. She needs some space, so give her some.

Howard

 

I agree.

Be glad kids aren't involved. Then your situation would really suck.

 

AGREE with this post--good bye!

 

I would just let her go. She has obviously checked out of the relationship awhile ago.

 

She did tell me that if she moves to MN, she more then likely won't move back to IL. She doesn't like big city life, and I don't like small town life. So there's that too.

 

Personally, make it as amicable as possible. If you think this is temporary, file for a marital separation, and not a divorce. There are probably more issues going on than you are presenting here, and they will need time to work it out. The relationship is most certainly on "hold", and only some time, six months, a year, will let you know if it will pick back up or not.

Now, the last time I was single, there was a site called "adult friend finder" I found useful...

Howard

 

That's what we've been doing right now. We had already agree on everything and who would get what.

 

Being a pragmatist, I see several points you should be aware of. First, a wife who leaves is abandonment in the eyes of the law, meaning you have no obligation for alimony. Further, if her job paid more than yours, there is a possibility of alimony from her to you. In any case, your current debt is mutual and should be divided as such. If you went with her initially to the mother in laws house and then you left from there, it would be you who abandoned her, with a strong possibility of court ordered alimony.

The most important issue to consider is lawyer and court costs. Do your utmost to dissolve the marriage without third party involvement. You want to end it amicably even if it may mean she may come out a little better than you, because if you don't the lawyers will come out better than either of you.

The last point is don't even think about trial separation. Cut the ties while you still have your youth and ability to find a woman who will make a home with you. Youth is fleeting and old age begins immediately with the first grey hair.

 

I make more then she does, so there's that. We have been very amicable so far. She has said that she doesn't want any of my income, and of my retirement, any of the money in our savings (so we can use it to pay for the divorce). We plan on having everything agreed upon before even going to a lawyer. I have a friend who recently got divorced and he gave me the name of his lawyer.