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Repost, But still funny!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by chris4x4, Jul 10, 2010.

  1. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:24 PM
    #1
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    TOOL DEFINITIONS:

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
    and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part
    which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
    it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
    and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
    to say, ''What the...''

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
    conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper..

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
    upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4
    to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
    hydraulic floor jack.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
    known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
    possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
    cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
    the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of
    the outside.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
    oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
    out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
    parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
    wearing them.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
    suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
    Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

    Dammit TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
    often, the next tool that you will need.

    TABLE SAW: Expensive storage surface used to store unfinished projects in garages of want-to-be cabinetmakers. Called a saw only because when turned on, it will cut and clear all contents off the table and scatter them across the garage.


    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    GOOSE NECK RATCHET: Tool designed by Satanic Communists that when used properly will fold when maximum torque is being applied, slamming knuckles into suspension parts and your head into the fender that you are working beneath.


    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    Bench grinder: a machine used to fire small metal objects at the ground over and over.

    Heavy duty T-handle drill: tool made to test the limits of wrist bone and ligament strength.


    Angle grinder: tool used to shoot sparks and metal filings directly into your eye, magically bypassing any safety glasses.

    Cordless Drill: used to half insert a phillips head screw and then strip the head so it can not be easily removed or tightened
     
  2. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:27 PM
    #2
    EL TACOROJO

    EL TACOROJO SNAPPIN NECKS AND CASHIN CHECKS.

    Joined:
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    BURRY
    south mills NORCAK
    Vehicle:
    03 dblcab prerunner sr5 v6
    smoked taillights,smoked front turnsignals,smoked 3rd brake light,black badges,black roof rack,removed mud flaps,debadged, camburg 2.5 coilovers,camburg uca's, cobra 25 cb, 4ft firestick ant, dust light/bed lights , 4 hellas on the front
    hahahaha
     
  3. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:30 PM
    #3
    Krazie Sj

    Krazie Sj Resident Jackass

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    Power Serge
    LV-426 (Acheron)
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    07 TRD Off Road 4x4
    Borla Catback Exhaust, Airaid Short Ram Intake, 285x75R16 Mickey Thompson MTZs, 16" Konig Countersteer rims, ARB Bumper, All Pro LT w/Walker Evan Shocks front and back, All Pro expedition leaf pack, 10,000lb Superwinch, Intake Manifold Spacer, Bed Rack with ARB RTT, Rotopack and Hi Lift mounted, Husky Liner mats and an air freshener from 1995.
    Very nice. Love the fact that you posted it like 12 times in a row.

    I actually LoLed at that...and I never LoL.
     
  4. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:30 PM
    #4
    HondaGM

    HondaGM Roll Tide

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    South-Pole
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    09 DC 4x4 Blown Honda VTEC V8
    trd exhaust,step bars,vent visors,bed lights,tailgate mod
  5. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:40 PM
    #5
    mntbiker2008

    mntbiker2008 First I derp.. then I herp

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    93 Pick up 4x4 (sold), 10' Mazda 3
    :rofl:


    soooo true
     
  6. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:42 PM
    #6
    ToucanV13

    ToucanV13 You think I was rollin out here naked?

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    San Diego and Colorado
    Vehicle:
    Infideled out TRD Sport 4X4
    285/70 Hankook AT-M, Window vents, TRD CAI, TRD Cat-back exhaust with WickedFlow can, AFE Throttle Body Spacer, Billy 5100 @ 2.5 and 1" block rear, RBP nerf bars, Halo HIDs, 20% tint up front
    HILARIOUS :rofl:
     
  7. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:44 PM
    #7
    JDMcQ

    JDMcQ Well-Known Member

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    The Mushroom Capital of the World
    Vehicle:
    2006 Toyota 4Runner SR5 V8
    I believe that I have experienced each of those tool definitions.
     
  8. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:48 PM
    #8
    SlurpeeBlueMetallic

    SlurpeeBlueMetallic FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

    Joined:
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    :rofl:

    I experienced this one earlier today:

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.​

    Using my BFH to knock out the bolt at the bottom of my 5100s. Whacked the joint on the sway bar link then got it tangled up in my brake lines, causing me to drop it on my foot while I was wearing slide-on sandals. I wanted to kick it then but remembered the sandals and didn't... that likely would have been way more amusing to a bystander, though.

    :annoyed:
     
  9. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:50 PM
    #9
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

    Joined:
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    Male
    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    Im sure we all have. :eek:
     
  10. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:50 PM
    #10
    ForeRunner

    ForeRunner Scotch before noon. Moderator

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    Drunken Sailor
    Somewhere between Maine and Florida
    Vehicle:
    2016 Subaru WRX STI Limited (no wing)
    Extra PSI

    ROFLMFAO

    Summma Bitch Copper!
     
  11. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:50 PM
    #11
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Male
    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    Yeah....well...It was actually 4 times. :eek:
     
  12. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:51 PM
    #12
    Dellosa89

    Dellosa89 Love peace and Taco Grease

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    Brian
    Murrieta CA
    Vehicle:
    07 Prerunner TRD Off Road
    Fox 2.5 Coilovers, Camburg 1.25" UCA's, Icon RR, Icon aal,EVS foam bump stops, Borla Catback, HID Headlights and fogs, Defiant light bar, 3 hella 700 hid, Satellite Radio, Sony hu with 10'' sub, custom jetski rack, TRD seat covers, secondary air filter removed.
    :laugh::laugh::laugh: Freakin awesome, The descriptions of each tool are spot on.
     
  13. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:51 PM
    #13
    Krazie Sj

    Krazie Sj Resident Jackass

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    LV-426 (Acheron)
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    Borla Catback Exhaust, Airaid Short Ram Intake, 285x75R16 Mickey Thompson MTZs, 16" Konig Countersteer rims, ARB Bumper, All Pro LT w/Walker Evan Shocks front and back, All Pro expedition leaf pack, 10,000lb Superwinch, Intake Manifold Spacer, Bed Rack with ARB RTT, Rotopack and Hi Lift mounted, Husky Liner mats and an air freshener from 1995.
    I see you Ninjaed in there and hid all the evidence...:spy:
     
  14. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:55 PM
    #14
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    106,153
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    LMAO!!! I forgot about that ....fucking COPPER!!!!
     
  15. Jul 10, 2010 at 5:56 PM
    #15
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

    Joined:
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    Male
    First Name:
    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
    Vehicle:
    2013 Rubicon Unlimited,
    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    I dont know what you are talking aboot. :spy:


    Edit to add another Table saw use, and Drop light.
     
  16. Jul 10, 2010 at 10:31 PM
    #16
    mntbiker2008

    mntbiker2008 First I derp.. then I herp

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    lmao sadly... ive done that.. my dad laughed at me for quite a while. :eek:



    and to the added tools... i fully agree with the angle grinder. that is so irritating!
     
  17. Jul 14, 2010 at 11:47 AM
    #17
    nd

    nd Radical Town. It's a hell of a place!

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    Greenville, SC
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    De badged, 5100's, Black Toyota Baja wheels
    i dont work with wood so i dont have much experience with the wood working tools outside of shop class, but i know for a fact the rest of the tool descriptions are dead on. especially the dammit tool, which i use all the time. but they forgot the wtf (where the fuck) tool. thats the tool you use most often during a project, but also the tool you lose for 30 minutes at a time every single solitary time you put it down to do something. This results in walking around your work space for 30 minutes uttering "where the fuck..." until you finally find it upstairs on the back of the toilet. This tool can range anywhere from a power drill to a roll of duct tape. i hate the wtf tool...
     
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