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Rules for Dating my Daughter......(joke)

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by chris4x4, Jul 22, 2009.

  1. Jul 22, 2009 at 8:34 AM
    #1
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    FlimFlubberJAM
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    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you sure aren't picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I promise this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
    However, to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we ordinarily would talk about politics, sports, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on the subject is "early".

    Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. If you hurt her, I will hurt you.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and one more hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful, like cleaning my gutters.

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
    daughter:
    1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    2. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight.
    3. Places where there is darkness.
    4. Places there there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    5. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped to her throat.
    6. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
    7. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes little time for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside.

    Rule Ten: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres of woods behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    PS: The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
  2. Jul 22, 2009 at 8:46 AM
    #2
    Kenobe

    Kenobe Well-Known Member

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    HAHAHA! Best part was the P.S. :)
     
  3. Jul 22, 2009 at 8:59 AM
    #3
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    lmao!!!
     
  4. Jul 22, 2009 at 8:59 AM
    #4
    stucksucksnayota

    stucksucksnayota Well-Known Member

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    Haha that is really funny.

    But ive never dated a girl whos dad has been like this I know maybe they already knew there daughter were sluts haha joking. But I can see how fathers would follow these rules!!
     
  5. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:02 AM
    #5
    T@co_Pr3runn3r

    T@co_Pr3runn3r XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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    DAMN, you're lenient Chris, I'm not! I have twins so I'm automatically twice as unlenient. (no lol):mad:
     
  6. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:02 AM
    #6
    05TRD4WD

    05TRD4WD Well-Known Member

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    thats good
     
  7. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:02 AM
    #7
    Ridgerunner

    Ridgerunner Well-Known Member

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    OMG Chris-this reminds me of when I was a teen and my older sister was dating this horrible excuse of a guy-my parents HATED this jerk for good reasons-such as he NEVER came to the door to pick her up, he would roll up and hit the horn:mad: but the topper was the day when we're all sitting in the livingroom watching TV, my dad with his paper, and my sister comes rushing into the house and shows a ring and says "LOOK! Robert gave me an engagement ring." "Where's he right now?" my dad asked. "Outside waiting in the car-why?"-that newspaper went flying all over the livingroom and Dad was out the door and after that putz so fast Mom had NO chance of stopping him! I heard tires screech as the idiot took off before Dad could get his hands on him:D.....never saw that loser again after that!
     
  8. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:06 AM
    #8
    T@co_Pr3runn3r

    T@co_Pr3runn3r XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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    My rules are more like........If you value life, you'll never be more than friends. If you want more than a friend, see rule 1.
     
  9. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:11 AM
    #9
    EL TACOROJO

    EL TACOROJO SNAPPIN NECKS AND CASHIN CHECKS.

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    i totally agree on this subject matter.
     
  10. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:11 AM
    #10
    fletch aka

    fletch aka www.BeLikeBrit.org

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    I love it, if I had a daughter this would be a handout to all boys that showed up at my door, ALL boys.
     
  11. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:24 AM
    #11
    TheSchwartz

    TheSchwartz Well-Known Member

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    awsome.just awsome
     
  12. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:26 AM
    #12
    619Tacoma

    619Tacoma Baja bound

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    All i can say is that if i had a daughter i would feel just like that.

    Most importantly remember: What goes around comes around...
     
  13. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:31 AM
    #13
    JDMcQ

    JDMcQ Well-Known Member

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    I am forwarding that to my stepdaughter now...
     
  14. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:37 AM
    #14
    luk8272

    luk8272 Poodoo

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    I have, hopefully 13 more years until I have to deal with this. Always love this joke. ON my computer back home I have the "Application to Date My Daughter" Just as good.
     
  15. Jul 22, 2009 at 9:55 AM
    #15
    rutherk1

    rutherk1 ElPhantasmo&TheChickenRunBlastarama

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    I wouldn't have thought this was funny before having girls. Now I do.
     
  16. Jul 22, 2009 at 10:06 AM
    #16
    matthew5olson

    matthew5olson Well-Known Member

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    My father-in-law showed me his gun collection the first time I went over his house. Her mother had to explain to me the "know touching the girl while her father is in the room" and the " no sharing the same blanket in front of her father" rule. I still will not hold hands or do anything more than give my wife a kiss good-bye in front of her father.
     
  17. Jul 22, 2009 at 10:44 AM
    #17
    jacob_wood

    jacob_wood Screw your MPG's

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    Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful, like cleaning my gutters.
    Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres of woods behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    PS: The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


    ^^These complete this all! Absolutely hilarious!
     
  18. Jul 22, 2009 at 10:45 AM
    #18
    red taco

    red taco Well-Known Member

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    My ex's dad tried this move on me when I first met him. The problem is my dad is in law enforcement and I love to go shooting with him. So his attempt to intimidate me ended with me saying thats really cool we should go shooting sometime. Needless to say he wasn't very happy when we walked back into the house.
     
  19. Jul 22, 2009 at 11:05 AM
    #19
    Hollywood22

    Hollywood22 Wranglin the Badger

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  20. Jul 22, 2009 at 11:10 AM
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    TacoNut

    TacoNut IgnoringChrisWatchingEdLi veVicariouslyThroughMJP2

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