Served Divorce Papers

Sorry to hear about your impending divorce...as others have stated here, it is toughest on the kids.

I separated from my wife back in 2007, and finally processed the divorce myself through the local court. I did all the paperwork myself, and worked with a court provided mediator. He was a former superior court judge, and sincerely helped me to structure a balanced divorce package (assets, custody, child support) that was approved by both my ex and the court following its submission.

That was in February 2011.

I have been paying child support and no alimony (very fortunate there, I've heard the horror stories) and have maintained a civil but cool relationship with my ex.

I feel strongly that if you can, use a court provided mediator...my divorce cost me $350.

Legal fees and attorneys can consume condos (see above), college funds, and expedition vehicles...which serves no one but the litigators.

My current wife spent $14,000 in legal fees during her divorce, and pays her ex-husband $2,590 a month...so it doesn't always work in your favor.

Good luck...hang in there...go camping when you can to release the stress, and IT WILL GET BETTER, I promise.

 

X2 on the work as much stuff out before you get there, it will save you alot of cash, I have my girls from my divorce here in CA with me until Wed morning. Its hard we just have to make the best of the time we have together. They are 8 now and we have been doing this for a few years now. As long as you always make a good effort to be in your boys lives they will know it. Good luck man.

 

my kids are adults now, both off in university, one is a graduate student working on his PhD, somehow we survived.. When the kids were in grade/middle/highschool, too many of their friends had divorced parents, who'd use them as pawns in the middle of their little oneupmanship games. DONT GO THERE.

 

Very sound advice.

Show strength for your boys, and set the example of the father you want them to be.

My ex and I started marriage counseling, which became my individual therapy for about 9 months.

Best $8,000 I ever spent...gave me the ability to heal, clean out the mental cobwebs, and move on from 19 years of marriage that had just ended...and more importantly imparted the new mental focus enabling me to recognize my soul mate when she entered my life a few years later.

Trust me...you're not alone.

 

Some good advice so far. I can agree with it as well!

1) If both parties are willing - hire a mediator. My ex and I sat down with a Mediator for an hour each visit for 5 or 6 visits. We settled the parenting plan, property settlement, etc without involving lawyers. She then hired an attorney (at her expense) to file the paperwork with the court for us.
2) The court hearing itself was one visit and lasted all of 15 minutes. Amazingly simple - total cost to me was like $400 for my share of mediation.

3) Whatever you do - be the bigger person. Never disparage mom in front of the kids. Your children are going to absorb everything. If one of you (or both) are nasty toward one another they'll see it. They may not say anything but they're paying attention.
4) Though you and mom may be separating permanently it's important (if both parties are willing) to remain unified with the kids. Try to be on the same page with punishments, groundings, what the kids can and can't watch on TV, etc. This will not only help prevent disputes between parents but will create some measure of stability for the kids. Otherwise the kids WILL try to pit the parents against one another at some point.

5) Don't let yourself get to down on yourself. Life will get better. And when the court tells you your child support will be "$xxx" don't freak out. Remember that you're not paying your ex-wife. You're feeding and clothing your kids. If you take that monthly responsibility with that view/attitude you'll be much happier about it. I pay more in child support than I do for my mortgage & truck payment combined. It's a big chunk but it's for my children's sake.

 

I don't know if this is possible in CA (I don't see why it wouldn't be but I'm not an attorney) but we basically talked about how we would split the property/equity in the house, visitation, expenses/child support, and who would be responsible for insurance and things going forward. She had her attorney draw up a parenting plan, my attorney reviewed it and advised me on some changes, and she accepted them. She had to go down to the courthouse and file all the paperwork and since I wasn't contesting anything in our contract I didn't even have to show up in court. The judge accepted our documents and signed off on the divorce. I was only out about $2k in fees and that was with a relatively high priced attorney. I don't know if your relationship will allow that type of cooperation but it was much easier and cheaper than dragging it out while the lawyers charge $400 an hour.

Also, I found I actually spent more quality time with my kids after the divorce. Before I would be working late or working out of town or come home from work and have to mow the yard or something while my wife would do dinner and baths and read a story and stuff. Now I do that other stuff when I don't have the kids and I when I do have them, I pick them up from school, we eat dinner together, we throw the football or baseball in the yard, and I read them a story before bed. On the weekends I can be with them because I do my work stuff or yard stuff or bike ride or whatever while they are with their mom.

And most companies offer EAP, talk to your HR person and see about yours. I was able to go to a counselor for months at no charge.

 

supporting papers sent to you OP


well it is your 2 boys who really needs support and understanding right now. They are heartbroken and prolly will not show them to ya. So keep the conversation flow between you and the kid's. Good Luck

 

I am sorry to hear about this OP. My parents went through a pretty brutal divorce when I was young and it was difficult for everybody. My best advice is to find a way to stay positive and motivated as others have said. My mother dealt with the divorce in a smart way (counseling, staying active, meeting new people). While my father unfortunately did not, and he allowed it to destroy his life (Alcohol, DUI's, lots of debt from trying to buy things to make him happy again).

Make it a point to be the best father you can be and don't stop trying improve on your own life.

 

I gotta disagree with this. My wife and her brother came from a broken home, it messed them both up pretty bad.

 

I can't express how helpful all the advice has been. Actually my soon to be ex wants 50/50 custody. So I'm good there. I just want to be there every day for my boys. That will be the biggest adjustment for me. As well as them having another "dad" around if/when my ex finds someone new.

 

Agreed, my ex and her brother came from a pretty bad home too. They have been dealing with the impressions that it left on them for their entire lives. It all depends on how the parents handle it, and making sure not to drag the kids through it with them.

 

Damn that sucks bro. You will get through this. Things will get better. Stay strong, stay busy and know the TW fam is here for ya.

 

I am Very Sorry. My Mother and Father got divorced when I was 4. My Best friend got divorced 3 years ago know and things are starting to look up for him. It's tough. Best of luck to you

 

Yea that's a good point, how bad the kids take it is entirely on the parents. My wife's parents had a very messy divorce and fought over the kids, then the kids went from one house to the next having to listen to each parent talking trash about the other, etc. I digress though..

JG, very sorry to hear that. I wish you the best, handle it in the most mature way you can.

 

Hang in there Bro! Make sure you treat your wife with civility. Even if she tries to rile you up don't bad mouth her. Also is the divorce out of the blue or did you see it coming? Just curious that's all. The best thing I can say is just be strong for your kids even if you are completely wrecked inside. I can say that if you can try to ask your wife for counseling and ask her what you did wrong. Ask hwr to make a list of stuff she felt wronged by and then get counseling if you feel like it may help.