Sobriety.... One year later... Please Read.

The main reason I stopped was a fear gripping me that my liver was getting damaged. I just couldn’t make myself believe it wasn’t getting scarred up anymore.

 

@RearViewMirror good on you brother! I’m 8 years on 8-12. My last was 8-12-12. I know the desires to drink to forget or drink to talk. I would just like to say. You can still go out with friends and have a good time they can drink get all drunk and stupid. You get the best seat in the house. To watch their shenanigans. Btw good for you for getting help. The hardest part is the asking part. But mad props.

 

I love when this thread is active. Just got asked to pickup an H&I commitment for those who speak my language.

 

A few months back my daughter sent a happy birthday message to me, knowing that my birthday wasn't for another month i called her to find out if she had forgotten when my birthday was. She told me that she remembered and said that she was thankful that I had forgotten my sobriety day. It had been 30+ years ago and I had forgotten the day.
It is so very nice to be free. That being said I very much realize that it is still one day at a time. LIFE is worth living.

 

I make many of these.. dont ever say no.

 

Sorry I missed this post.

It's nice to have someone in here that truly knows substance abuse. When I started this thread back in 2013 I never imagined it would turn into what it has turned into. Most everyone in here has a basic knowledge of substance abuse and many have suffered through the pitfalls those abuses can cause. I'll be quite honest... when I started this thread, it was more for myself than anyone else. It was a way to put it in writing and hold myself accountable for my decisions and actions. I linked it in my signature to always remind me of where I had been and to never go back. So I can only speak from personal experience on this subject. But as the thread grew I realized that, if nothing else, maybe I could be a sounding board for others suffering from the same issues that I suffered from. I can certainly empathize with others at the very least.

Maybe I look at this completely wrong but I personally don't buy the "substance abuse is a disease" argument. I know that might be a controversial statement but if it's considered a disease, it's the only disease that you actually chose to acquire. No one choses cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc... That said... after you become addicted it can be considered a disease I suppose? But no one forced me to put a bottle to my lips or the pills in my mouth. I made that decision myself. Everything that I did when I was under the influence I own. I've said it multiple times throughout this thread and I firmly believe this: "You have two choices when you become addicted to a substance. 1: You actively choose to get help or 2: You hit rock bottom." I chose poorly. But it was also the catalyst for me to become sober and take a step back and realize how I got myself into that situation in the first place? As time passes it became a non issue. I realize that isn't always the case since some people relapse for various reasons. But as long as you have the will and strength to get back up and try again... that's about all you can ask. After watching seven of my brothers and sisters in the Fire Service commit suicide during my career, I realized what caused that to happen and how it got so far that they could see no other way out. I honestly don't know how I survived that night.

 

Thank you.

As far as going out with friends and having a good time watching them get drunk and stupid? I'm not a big fan of that. I've done it a few times in the past after I got sober and what usually happens is either I get made fun of for not drinking (they are drunk btw so take that with a grain of salt), or I'll end up getting pushed out of whatever conversation they are having while they are drunk. One of the first things that happened when I got sober was they would say that they now have a designated driver. I let them know very quickly that I'm NOT a designated driver and they are grown men. If they want to drink then they should know when to stop. But I'm not driving a bunch of drunk people around. It is what it is...

 

I recently ran into an old friend whom I used to drink with, haven't seen him in a long time. We were talking and he said we need to get all the guys together and go have a beer. I said I been sober for 8 years, he said good you can drive. I said no, that don't even sound fun to me. I don't want to be around it, especially at a bar.

 

I don't remember mine either, and that's ok. For me personally that date is not the important one, it's today and the days that follow that are the ones that count.

 

You are correct. The date isn't important. But what comes after it is.

 

I remember early on in my sobriety I actually missed hangovers. How sick is that!

 

First of all Craig, I want to sincerely thank you for your candor, your honesty, and also most of all, your willingness to start this thread to begin with. It is very difficult for a person to not only learn how to accept the fact that they might have difficulties with any type of substance, but also take responsibility for recognizing how it has impacted their life and what they are doing about it. You have given the community of Tacoma world not only an outlet for others to also share their stories, but to also reiterate that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people think the same way that you do especially about the aspect of choice. You are 100% correct in saying that the person does choose to be able to make the decision on their own, and that everything that a person does was under their own influence. Unfortunately, the aspect of choice in all beginnings of substance abuse isn't necessarily as easy as a person choosing or not choosing to do it. We also have to bring in the factor of whether a person has the self-confidence or even the strength to be able to say no, not only in the beginning, but also recognize how can manifest itself later on.

The aspect of the medical community or the mental health community defining as a disease actually has nothing to do with choice at all. There are a lot of people in society unfortunately that believe that it was created as a "buzz" term to give people an excuse. As much as this aspect can help educate people around the stigma that continually surrounds society about people who are in recovery or even in active addiction, we actually have to look at what the actual definition of a disease is. A disease is defined as: 1) a disordered order incorrectly functioning organ, park, structure, or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or develop mental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorable environmental factors, 2) a condition of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, (as in an infectious disease, a rare genetic disease, or heart disease), or 3) harmful development in a social institution or something that is considered very bad in people or society, (as in a person seeing a city's crime rate as a disease). When we look at all of those three definitions, the aspect of "choice" does not play a part in any of them. The medical and mental health community define it as a disease primarily because it directly affects and changes brain chemistry, structure, and functioning for homeostasis. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, they get to the point where it causes dependency and in some cases permanent brain damage. We all know that the body cannot function without the aspect of the brain and every part of the brain has its specific job to make sure that the body works in unison with itself. one of the biggest parts of the brain that it affects is the amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for the procession of emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness as well as the controlling of aggression. It also helps to store memories of events and emotions so that an individual may be able to recognize similar events in the future. But one of the biggest jobs that the amygdala does, is that it controls priority. Some people might ask how a person can choose to think about using a drug or taking a drink even over the love of their own child. Surely that should be a powerful enough emotion for a person to be able to feel, to make a responsible decision...... correct? Due to a person's consistent use of any type of mind altering substance, it affects the amygdala to the point where whatever the substance that they are ingesting is, it begins to take priority over everything else in their life. Look at it as a evil king of the mountain. The positive thing, is that you chose to recognize that that priority should not be there and you also chose to do whatever you possibly could to look at it square in the eye and say "back in your fucking cage!!!! I'm done with you!" For that sir, I will always continue to commend not only your hard work in changing your life around, but the hard work that you do in keeping it there.

Not to go into too much "Dr. speak," but here is another example. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain which plays a major role in the motivation component of someone and its reward motivated behavior. Now most of the people that are walking around on this earth today have a dopamine level of around 100. If you are a "go-getter" that wakes up early in the morning and says "come on guys let's go,", you have a dopamine level of around 110. If you are very lethargic, can't get out of bed and depressed, you have a dopamine level around 90. Now when a person has an amazing piece of food, something that they feel as if they could eat for the rest of their life because it is so good, their dopamine level jumps up to about 150. When a person has an incredible sexual experience, something mind blowing, their dopamine level jumps up to 200. When a person uses cocaine, their dopamine level jumps up to 350. When a person has a prescription opiate pill, it jumps up to 500. When a person has heroin, jumps up to 900. And when a person take something as destructive as methamphetamine, it jumps up to 1300. So now, after feeling that immense pleasure, when a person gets sober, even something as mind blowing as an incredible sexual experience doesn't even compare and the person is feeling as if they have created a void in their life that they now need to fill. What a person chooses to do to fill that void is up to them.

I do feel very uncomfortable when a person chooses to call another person, an alcoholic, or an addict. Is it okay for a person to call themselves an alcoholic or an addict? That is completely up to them. But when it is used by others, it can be extremely demeaning and lowers ones self-confidence to continue to fight. In my practice, I have routinely trained my staff to use the term "in recovery." If a person sustains an injury, that person has to recover from the injury, and unfortunately due to that injury, that part of the body is not going to be 100% like it was before the injury. They can come very close, but not 100%. So therefore a person will always "be aware" that they need to be careful not to re-injure that part of the body again because of its possible likelihood to be re-injured due to its fragility. Therefore, I always choose to use the term "in recovery" because a person is choosing to be aware not to re-injure that fragile aspect of their life and to do whatever they can to gain strength. I have always talked to my clients about looking at their addiction the same way that they look at their electric bill. It is not necessarily something that we can just beat, but something that we need to keep up with. We can't necessarily say that we beat our electric bill this month so therefore we never have to pay it again. Unfortunately, we need to keep up with it or our electricity is going to get shut off.

Now keep in mind, I am not challenging at all any type of belief that anyone has. My job is not to challenge people's beliefs but to make sure that people have enough education so that whatever change that they believe they need to make in their lives can be the right one for them. Once again, I continue to commend you and everyone in this thread, that is making a positive change in their life. And for anyone that is afraid about talking or accepting the fact that they are in recovery, .......don't be. Wear it like a badge of honor. Show it off proudly. The more that we are able to do this, the more that we are able to change people's perceptions about others who are struggling in lesson the stigma around it. I know this was long but thank you for reading the whole thing if you did make it to the end.

 

Thank you very much for a professional outlook on this subject. What you posted is very eye opening and I'm very happy you took the time to explain just how addiction works in the brain. What you posted is very welcome and needed in this thread. So thank you once again!

Even though I was a Paramedic on the busiest Truck Company in the South for 25 years, I never stopped to consider the points you brought up. I only had my own personal experience as a base of reference. I understand that addiction is a case by case basis and no two cases are the same. Outside influences greatly determine how someone gets to a place of true addiction. My personal case isn't rare, but everyone is different in how they handle whatever situation they are exposed to. Before all of this happened to me I had all of the confidence in the world. If anything came up, I would overcome it. My wife and I have talked about this many times and although the signs and symptoms were there, she just assumed that it would be something that I would overcome like I always did. But this time, it was much bigger than me. I didn't have the luxury of having an objective view of what was happening to me. I was just reacting to it in a very poor way. I knew what I was doing was wrong but it (at the time) was the only solution that I could find. If I drank or took pills... I wouldn't "feel". But as you are well aware, that only lasts so long and I ended up making my problems so much worse than if I would have chosen a different path. I just couldn't see the other path. So when it all came crumbling down I had two options.

1: Keep doing what I was doing and lose everything. My family, my job, and maybe even my life.

2: Tackle this head on and confront the issues that I was dealing with.

Luckily I chose option 2. My daughter was six years old at the time. My wife took her to one of our friends house because she did not need to see me in the shape that I was in when I was at that restaurant. My wife was pretty mad when she had to come and pick me up as you can imagine. I don't have a conscious recollection of what I had planned for that day? I just know that I had a bottle of Xanax and a bottle of Percocet in my pocket. Mix that with all the alcohol that I consumed that day and I'm lucky to be alive. But it didn't take her long to understand that something much deeper was going on and I wasn't going to be able to do this by myself. The next day was probably the worst day of my life after I found out what I had done. I very easily could have orphaned my daughter and changed the lives of an innocent family just driving down the road. It made me physically ill. I felt the need to pick my daughter up from school and take her out for ice cream and come clean to her about everything that I had done the night before. I needed to be held accountable for my actions and it needed to start with my wife and daughter. It's truly a sobering moment when you have to tell your six year old daughter that "daddy needs help". But... She has held me accountable and for that I can not repay that debt that I owe her. My wife was an integral part of helping me out of the pit that I had placed myself in. If it weren't for them? You would most likely be talking about me in the past tense.

That was eight years ago. I took three months off of work because I was obviously not in any condition to lead. After that night, I have not had a drink and I made a contract with my Dr. that he is not to prescribe me any type of benzodiazepine or opiate. I came clean to him and told him that I'm not taking the medicine for the reason that he was prescribing them. I was abusing them. I think he appreciated the candor and most likely had never experienced that before. And to his credit, he hasn't prescribed me anything heavier than ibuprofen. I would like to say that I sought professional help but I didn't. I did it through sheer willpower and fear. Fear of the destruction that I could have caused. That probably isn't the best approach but fear is one hell of a motivating factor.

Thank you once again for shedding light on the how and why this can happen to anyone. Your presence here is greatly appreciated.

 

You know, it is funny how you bring up the aspect of fear. A lot of people think that fear is actually a bad thing. It really isn't. It is only when you let that fear control you. Let me give you an example. Put yourself in this position for a moment:
Brooklyn,
Dark Alley,
Saturday night,
2 am.....
Are you scared? Sure, we would all be. But think about what your body is going through physically. Blood is moving away from digestion, going to your arms and your legs, getting ready for the fight or flight response. Your heart is racing making sure that you have the energy to respond. You have a hyper-awareness ......looking around, not for something to run towards but something to run away from. So in actuality, fear makes you aware. Now there is another "F" that people don't think about in the "fight or flight" response. And that is "freeze." Now that is letting fear control you.
If we think about things that we are scared of, sometimes a person brings up the aspect of a phobia. So if I say what is arachnophobia, you would say it is a fear of spiders. But you can have a fear of spiders without having arachnophobia. Fear to the point of being a phobia is when it is causing a marked dysfunction in your life. Fear can keep us motivated. Fear keeps us aware. Fear continues to teach us what is positive and negative in our life. But when let that fear control us, we become its slave and feel helpless because we give it more power than it actually has.

When it comes to addiction a lot of times, a person uses the substance to cover up the feelings that they don't like and they get to the point where they are afraid to feel. Then they get sober and have to feel. AND FEELING SUCK! But we learn how to sit through that period of awkwardness, and come out on the other side proving to ourselves that we can overcome any battle. But the ongoing war will always be present. I try to talk to my patient's about removing the word "ready" from their vocabulary. The word "ready" denotes an idea. Is anyone "ready" to go to war? Hell no. But can you be "prepared" to go to war? Yes. The difference is the army you have behind you, the training that you have to rely upon when the time comes, the armament you have to fight the battle. No one is ever really ready to be sober. We have to be prepared to be sober. How prepared a person needs to be depends on them and how much they are willing to fight.

 

Cool thread. Congrats to those that have been able to maintain their sobriety.

 

@King Kermit V

 

I think what helped me the most is the fear of what could have happened. Not so much what actually happened. What actually happened was pretty fucking horrible and would have most likely made me stop. But it was the realization of what could have happened that truly made me quit everything right then and there. Knowing everything that I did that day still haunts me and probably always will. Not that, that is a bad thing. I'm still a firm believer that you either have to want to make a change for yourself or the change will eventually be made for you. It can't stay that way indefinitely without someone suffering the consequences of your actions. Whether that be you or the people that love you. I burnt up my last match stick that night. That was the end of my family as I knew it and it was all because of my actions. That scared the living shit out of me. My wife never said anything... I could see it. When I couldn't look my wife in the eyes because I was so ashamed of what I had done the day before? No... there was no going back to that way of life. I had to face what I had been running from... Sober.

Quitting wasn't that hard after that.

 

These posts are awesome. Had some twinges to drink last night. It being Friday and all. But I didn’t. Took the family out to dinner and we had a great time.

On the way to dinner, there was an accident on the road and the police put up a detour and it looked menacing and almost like a checkpoint. Multiple cars in front of me turned around abruptly. In the past I would have been 3-4 beers deep. It was awesome not sweating it and almost hoping it was a checkpoint. Turned out to be just a detour but felt great nonetheless.

Feel even better this morning. You’ll never regret not drinking the next day. Peace

 

That was my usual. Never drank b/c I had a shitty day or anything. Tuesday because it's league night, Friday because it's Friday, Saturday because it's Saturday, Sunday because football

 

Same thinking,it didn't matter when, what or where I was going to drink,I wasn't drinking for flavor, a good day a bad day,gonna mow the grass,wash the truck,it didn't matter.Nothing did, except that next drink.
I don't exactly remember my first,but I will never forget my last.