The giant spider in my bushes or The Story of my Saturday Home Alone

With the assistance of TTORA it went something like this.

I was informed it was a female garden spider, and in fact harmless. I agree with the species but still strongly felt it was going to try to kill me in my sleep.

I questioned whether fire would be sufficient to end the monster or if that would just net me a giant pissed off flaming spider. Apparently fire would be sufficient.

So I prepared for battle. The weapons, grill tongs to subdue the creature, an old leave form with my social on it that I needed to burn any ways, a lighter from the bedroom for lighting candles when the wife wants to make happy time, and an empty bean can from chili night with an amount of 87 octane gasoline.

The Tools​

After wrestling the beast from its web and fighting it on the grill tongs it succumbed to the gas fumes and fell into the still liquid aluminum dungeon. The torch (leave form) was lit from the spark of salvation (lighter) and plunged into the depths. Fire erupted from smoldering tomb and the vile creature hissed, screamed, popped, and curled up in its blackened demise.

The Results
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The land has been saved, farmers can return to the fields, women can suckle their babes, and I can mow the lawn before my wife gets home and complains that the only thing I did all day is light a spider on fire in the driveway.

 

yeah but that could happen to you anyway

 

I considered a flame thrower but didn't have the right materials available. I need kids so I have an excuse to keep a super soaker around.

 

OH shit! i had that exact type of spider run across my chest last summer when i was walking between 2 palm trees (i could feel it running through my shirt) it was big as shit, i think mine was bigger than yours! We caught it and took it to our local snake and spider expert and he said it was related to the Brown Recluse!!!!

 

We have brown recluses all over our house. This spider would have made a brown recluse its bitch.

 

im not f-ing with either! the Brown Recluse will make you its bitch! more venomous than the black widow!

 

But not as aggressive. You have to hold onto a brown recluse or pin it down (like in a sleeping bag or under your clothes) to get it to bite. Then it just creates a localized necrotic abscess. Black widows are pissed off and have a systemic toxin that will circulate and F you up. Brown recluses have a bad rep because every localized dermal abscess is diagnosed as a brown recluse bite. Usually it's just an infected ingrown hair or an infected puncture or break in the skin. Skin is dirty so any open sore that goes untreated can get infected easily.

 

Location and lack of treatment and that's what you get. It's a shallow area with little subcutaneous tissue so the toxin just spreads, then it went untreated and the necrosis spread through the invenomated thumb. I've treated a lot of dermal abscesses and it's just simple incision and drainage, debriding, and wet to dry wound packing until it heals up. Maybe antibiotics if it's pretty rugged.

That guy thought he could tough it out

 

Take its dead, charred carcas and nail it up outside somewhere in plain sight. The other spiders will get the message...

 

eeeekkk!!

 

come on its just a spider

 

jeez u fuckers... those are nice spiders
i had one on my window a few years ago and would feed it grasshoppers

 

In my head, this is how that shit went down.

 

You should have just left her alone!!! She won't hurt you (unless you are a bug in her web) I have a couple of them in my yard and at work.

 

so are u saying u lost to the spider and ur homo lover saved u?

 

thanks for laughing susan and oh yea thanks for lowering cliffs seat cover price