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The tools' TRUE definition......(hilarious)

Discussion in 'Garage / Workshop' started by Detective_Dan, Jan 3, 2011.

  1. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:01 PM
    #1
    Detective_Dan

    Detective_Dan [OP] "Place original and witty user title here"

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    i got this in an email at work and thought i would share....



    The True Definition of Tools
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
    until you die of old age.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
     
  2. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:05 PM
    #2
    ToucanV13

    ToucanV13 You think I was rollin out here naked?

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    Love it
     
  3. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:06 PM
    #3
    memario1214

    memario1214 Vivid Illumination Vendor

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    Lol! Good find
     
  4. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:09 PM
    #4
    BEEFY_CHEESY_TACO

    BEEFY_CHEESY_TACO DUDE MAN BRO

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    lol those are awesome
     
  5. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:14 PM
    #5
    Ado

    Ado Active Member

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    Haha, this is awesome!
     
  6. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:22 PM
    #6
    steve o 77

    steve o 77 braaap

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    Love the engine hoist one
     
  7. Jan 3, 2011 at 10:23 PM
    #7
    Detective_Dan

    Detective_Dan [OP] "Place original and witty user title here"

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    Pelfreybilt Plate Bumper, Pelfreybilt Sliders, OME 886/Dakars, SCS F5's, 33" Ko2's, Cobra 75WXST/3' Firestik, oil catch can, aero turbine 2525, rear differential breather extension, bedmat, weathertech digital fit front/rear, BHLM, custom shiftknob (made by me),
    hahahah that ones my favorite as well
     
  8. Jan 4, 2011 at 5:06 AM
    #8
    Detective_Dan

    Detective_Dan [OP] "Place original and witty user title here"

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    morning bump
     
  9. Jan 4, 2011 at 5:11 AM
    #9
    badguybuster

    badguybuster Well-Known Member

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    6000K HID Headlights 6000k HID Fog Lights Window visors (all 4) Tri-Fold Tonno Bedlined Rockers Bedlined Bumpers Bilstein 5100 Toytec 1/2" spacers 3" TSB Leafs and AAL's (Toytec) Differential 1" Drop Sway Bar Relocators BHLM Mod Debadged Pro Comp 7089s Hankook Dynapro 35" M/T's Billett Grill 55 watt fog lights in grill 55 watt fog lights on Pre-Runner Light Bar Rear Bilstein 5100's Flowmaster Super 10's Yellow Fog Light Mod Titanium Burl Wood Grain Dash Mod Leather Arm Rest Mod TRD Steering wheel Mod Painted Engine Cover Painted Fuse Box TRD Seat Belt Covers Bed Light Mod Extended/Braided Brake Lines Back up light mod
    ha ha ha
     
  10. Jan 4, 2011 at 5:15 AM
    #10
    Mark C.

    Mark C. If you want it bad, you usually get it bad!

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    Superb post! Thanks for sharing those!
     
  11. Jan 4, 2011 at 6:01 AM
    #11
    Doc.SS

    Doc.SS ︻╦╤─

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    Awesome
     
  12. Jan 4, 2011 at 6:14 AM
    #12
    macgyver

    macgyver Well-Known Member

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    Lol I am laughing my ass off here at work in my cube reading this. Every one of those is 100% true and I have personally experienced in my years of working on cars.

    Wow great read!
     
  13. Jan 4, 2011 at 7:04 AM
    #13
    90YotaPU

    90YotaPU The Messiah

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    LMAO. I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
     
  14. Jan 4, 2011 at 7:09 AM
    #14
    macgyver

    macgyver Well-Known Member

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    Here's another one...

    ANGLE GRINDER: A rotary tool used to completely destroy a hoodie. and sometimes can be used to grind and cut metal and masonry.


    Moral of that story, don't let the grinder get too close to your hoodie while you are sharpening lawnmower blades :)
     
  15. Jan 4, 2011 at 7:09 AM
    #15
    Jo Dog

    Jo Dog ROLL TIDE

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    my fav is the DAMMIT TOOL lol.:rofl:
     
  16. Jan 4, 2011 at 7:20 AM
    #16
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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  17. Jan 4, 2011 at 7:24 AM
    #17
    memario1214

    memario1214 Vivid Illumination Vendor

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    Yeah, I gots boost
    Oh fine Chris! Wouldn't think to search for this one... NOOB! :rofl:
     
  18. Jan 4, 2011 at 9:58 AM
    #18
    Detective_Dan

    Detective_Dan [OP] "Place original and witty user title here"

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  19. Jan 4, 2011 at 10:09 AM
    #19
    Zombie Runner

    Zombie Runner Are these black helicopters for me?

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    hahah I love the "damnit" tool

    My last cell phone was used as a "damnit" tool a few weeks ago
     
  20. Jan 4, 2011 at 10:43 AM
    #20
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    :sorry:
     
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