The Useless Posts Thread

I partake in neither, thank you very much.

 

Haven't heard from him all weekend.

 

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole! Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.

 

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the
engine fails and
the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.

SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
SH2: What about the sheep ?!?
SH1: Fuck the sheep !!!! SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

 

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at
the ranch. He was out of
work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride,
and went to the other ranch
in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch.

They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.
The first night he was
there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said.
"It's time for your initiation!"
Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall,
they were a bunch of sheep
tenders!
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other
guys lined up waiting. "Go on,"
they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real
man."
Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he
really needed the job. So he
squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind
the shed. After a moment,
the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants,
to see the other guys all
laughing at him.
Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said,
"Was I not supposed to screw
the sheep?" "That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly
one."

 

A woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's
tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly
outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she
dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a
single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care,
because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her
life.
She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the
road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd
of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing
the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a
herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road,
and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping
to wait for the sheep.
"You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very
difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you
how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you
guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 257 sheep," says
the woman. The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one
out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the
back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her
window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color
your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

 

good ones Chris.........er........I mean...........

 

Meh.