Whatever

Evening everyone.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.
Fish kicked my ass but always nice to get up in the mtns.

The jokes are making me feel better already.
Thanks

 

A man decides on a day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet and paws.
“What is the matter with you?” the man thinks aloud. “Well, that’s how I was born, I’m actually a faulty parrot” says the bird.
“Haha,” the man laughs, “it seems like that parrot understands what I’m saying and even answers!”
“I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated,” says the bird. “Well, if you’re so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs.”
“Well,” says the parrot, “it’s a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers.” “Wow, you really understand everything I say, do not you?”
“Yes, yes,” replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport and philosophy and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you.
" The man looks at the price tag, 200 dollars is on it. “Sorry, I can not afford that.”
“Psst,” whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 bucks and you can take me with you."
The man offers 25 dollars and walks out 5 minutes later with the parrot. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says “Pssssssssssst” while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. “I do not know if I should tell you this,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the postman.”
“What!?” says the man.
“Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing but a nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth.”
“And then,” the man hisses, “What happened then?” “Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere.”
“My God,” says the now furious man, “And what else did they do?”
“Then he took off her nightgown, went down on his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down.” “And then, what happened, what else did they do?” the man screams .




“No idea,” says the papgaai, “I got a boner and thundered off my stick …”

 

Re poll

Where is Hobbs?

 

Talking goats

 

That way ~~~~~~>

 

Oh shit. I didn't know Manson died.
And for those who don't know Dante...He was an italian writer/poet that wrote The Divine Comedy. It included Dante's Inferno which described his journey through the nine circles of hell in search of his love.
I figure he knows his way around so I want to talk to that guy.

 

@JaCado


I think it is a Southern two-lined salamander.

Unless @six5creed is in the extreme western portion of NC? If so, it'd be a blue ridge two-lined salamander. They use to be considered the same species, but without it in hand I'd have to go by range maps and locality. Their ranges barely overlap.

 

My headache has finally went away. I don’t feel like stabbing myself in the eye anymore.

 

Guy 1: You don't look so good. What's wrong?
Guy 2: I get these migraine headaches.
Guy 1: Yeah I get those too. I just have my wife perform oral sex on me and it goes away. You should try that.
Guy 2: Okay I will. Is she home now?

 

I feel a migraine coming on.

 

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.

 

You are on point tonight.

 

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

 

A drunk enters a church and staggers down the aisle, clutching the pews as he goes.
He gets to the confessional and goes inside.
The priest rolls his eyes towards the heavens and enters his side.
He waits a few moments and nothing happens so he loudly clears his throat.
Still nothing. So he taps on the wall.
Still nothing. So he knocks harder.
The drunk says "Ferget it buddy. Ain't no paper in thish one either."

 

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

 

Money might not buy happiness but it does let you select your misery.

 

Come on 7

 

Funny, I'm wishing for the opposite.