Which branch of the US is the best?

right back at cha

 

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniel's in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

 

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right."

"Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."

And the Chief went to Heaven...

 

Corrected for accuracy.....





A US Army General and his battalion were securing a new forward base, when up on the hill nearby a US Marine stood up, waving the Marine Corps flag, and thumbing his nose to the General.
"Captain, send a couple soldiers up there to whoop that Marine's ass and bring me that flag," said the General.
4 soldiers topped the hill as the Marine slid behind it. Scuffling noises ensued, and the Marine came back on top of the hill, reset the USMC flag, and again thumbed his nose to the General.
"Captain, send your best squad over that hill, get me that flag, and secure that Marine!" The General was beginning to get irritated.
The Captain sent his best squad over the hill. After a few moments of fighting the Marine again stood lone and proud on the hill with the USMC flag waving in the breeze.
The General could be heard cursing under his breath.
"Major! Since the Captain is unable to take that Marine, take your company up that hill, retrieve that flag, and I want that Marine's ass roasting on my fire TONIGHT!"
The major sounded the order to attack, and an entire company charged over the hill screaming. Combat could be heard even from that far away as soldiers screamed out their battle cries! Soon the dust settled. Again the lone Marine stood atop the hill, waving the USMC flag now with pride and gave the General the bird.
"BATTALION!" Screamed out the General, " KILL THAT MARINE AND BURN THAT FLAG!"
The entire Battalion ran screaming and shouting over the hill as the Marine again slipped over the crest. The sound of battle at this point was tremendous and dust and debris were flying over the top of the hill. Soon the dust again settled and a lone US soldier crawled over the top of the hill. Rolling down he finally dragged himself before the General and fell to the ground, but not before uttering the words, "It's a trap Sir, there were two of them..."

 

I always liked this one, I learned it after my CO asked for a volunteer to go to town in Panama. I thought it would be cool to get off the base for a minute. I ended up doing cleanup on a "volunteer" crew for the day

NAVY

Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself

 

Sounds about right to me

 

Make it your own if you want, but when you edit someone else's quote you should highlight it so people know whats been done. Be fair. lol.

 

Airforce

 

ROTC

 

Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself

Aren't
Real
Marines
Yet

My
Ass
Rides
In
Navy
Equipment

Muscles
Are
Required
Intelligence
Not
Essential

Uncle
Sam's
Misguided
Children
USAF / USCG I haven't ever heard one worth remembering, sorry

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

 

good thread gents made today entertaining, all branches have a part but I still don't understand what uncle sam's canoe club (coast guard for you rocks) does J/k had to get my licks in i guess, I've worked with army SF Navy SF and airforce PJ they are all the shit and do there jobs outstanding to all my fellow vets thank you for your service and SEMPER FI