Sobriety.... One year later... Please Read.

My family didn't know the "me" from before - I was a few years clean already when I met my wife. However, today marks a 13 year anniversary of events that nearly took me back out. Just good to be mindful and vigilant.

 

Making Amends

This was not an easy one to do. I have been alienated by many at work from an incident with a co worker when I was drunk at a meeting. I asked HR to have a meeting set up. I was so nervous and my hands shook the whole time.

This is what I told him.

For 18 months I have been thinking of what happened at the company meeting, every day I arrive at work I go over what transpired. I am no longer that person anymore.

Six months ago I had an awakening and I choose to be sober forever. I have been to AA meetings and did the 12 step program. I have given my earned chips to those I have harmed the most. I thought it best to wait a while to give this and start the New Year off better.

Tattooed on my arm is my sobriety date. No one at the office knows this but you.

I am so sorry for what I have done and can not even begin to imagine what you have went through. Please accept my six month chip and know I will never be that way again. I will continue to follow HR's rules after this meeting.

He accepted my apology, took the chip and put it into his pocket as he shook my hand wishing me a recovery.

 

Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know those seem just like random words that everyone says in times like these but truly, I am very sorry for the loss of your brother. I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose someone that is so close to you. I have very little family so I haven't lost anyone close to me so I can't place myself in your shoes. I can only empathize and hope that each new day the loss will hurt less and the wonderful memories of your brother will float to the surface.

As far as your request goes... not a problem. I don't mean to make that sound trivial. I suppose the prism I view my life through now is much different than when I was younger or even before I became an alcoholic. I view my life as a book. In that book there are many chapters. Some are interesting, boring, funny, sad, horrifying, gratifying, etc... But there is one chapter of that book that is a very dark chapter and I wish that I could somehow rip it out but it's there to stay. That said, if that chapter wasn't there I wouldn't be the person I am today. As ashamed as I am for letting something control me instead of the other way around I can honestly say that it has made me a better person. I'm now a better husband to my wife, a better father to my daughter, and a better friend to the people that helped me when I couldn't help myself. I am VERY far from perfect, but taken as a whole, I'm a better person for my fellow man.

I retired from the Fire Dept last July at the age of 47. So I'm very fortunate to be in the place that I'm in right now. I no longer miss a third of my daughter's life and I get to be there for her anytime she needs me rather than me being gone for 24hrs at a time with no way to take care of any issues that may arise while I was on duty. I'm able to be here for my wife each and every day. So as of right now, I've turned into Mr. Mom.
But before I left the Fire Dept. I did everything in my power to bring to light what we all knew but were too afraid to talk about. I'm an open book (obviously) and just laid my story out there for everyone to see. As I mentioned in the opening post, if what I say helps one person then what I went through was worth it. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow and life is fleeting. I've seen more death and destruction to last multiple lifetimes so I no longer take a day for granted. So rather than type out an entire page I'll just point to this thread of what I've learned along the way.

 

I think anyone that has gone through what we've been through knows exactly what you're talking about. The list of people I wronged was / is very long. Some have accepted my apology and some haven't. To those that haven't... I don't blame them at all. Most of the problems during that period of time was all of my doing because I chose to put the substance in my body. But what you did shows your true character for making amends and your coworkers character for accepting your apology.

 

Good stuff. I needed to see this today. My thanks to those who posted their thoughts & experiences today.

 

Four months sober today. All I can say is I feel for all you guys. These last four months have been tough at times, but the best four months of my life that I can remember in a long long time.

 

Congrats.

 

Thanks fellas!!

 

I posted this in the +40 thread but it seems appropriate to post here also.

So for the last couple months I've been approached by a magazine to tell the story of the Fire Dept. and the negative effects the job brings for the people that actually work that job. I met with a Dr. last year after an email was sent out on the FD email for a study she was doing on the very same subject. I responded and met with her and laid it all out for her. Since the magazine found out about her study they asked if she knew anyone that would be willing to recount their story and apparently my name was at the top of the list. So I met with the journalist writing the piece and did the same for her. Just laid it all out there.

She sent me the final draft for me to go over. I have to say she's a very good writer and hopefully it will shed some light on how dangerous the FD can be on your mental health as much as your physical health. I have the final draft but it is "for my eyes only" until magazine comes out in May.

Skip forward a few weeks or so and I get a call from a journalist from a Fox News affiliate that works closely with that magazine. I suppose my story resonated.

As I mentioned before, the article is coming out in the magazine in May. So I got a call from one of the local news stations and they would like to interview me on that very subject next week for airing in May to coincide with the magazines release. I’ve got a few days to think about it and decide if I want to follow through with it. Truth be known... I can’t think of a valid reason not to do it. If my story helps one other person then in my opinion it will be worth what I went through. Someone has to be a voice for this issue and if that voice happens to be me then so be it. As embarrassing as I handled my situation, if I can help one other person to not go down the road that I went down, it will be worth it.

 

I agree. Do it.

 

I tape at the end of next week.

 

Plus you’ll be a movie star!!

 

Lol.... Let's not get carried away.

 

Magazine article.

Page 12

 

Success hasn't spoiled you..............yet. Forge on & keep fighting the good fight.

 

Not really sure where they got that I retired 6 years ago but here's the story anyway.

 

And an interview I gave last week. Just press listen.

 

I have to admit... Anthony Bourdain suicide hit me hard last week. I always enjoyed his shows and seemingly his zest for life. The same thing happened to me when Chris Cornell passed away by his on hands. There are a multitude of reasons for events like this happening and I don't have a clear cut answer to them. I do know this, for those that serve the Nation in the Military and their communities as Fire Fighters, Paramedics, Law Enforcement Officers that struggle. There is a reason trauma victims, combat survivors, Law Enforcement Officers, Fire Fighters, Paramedics, ER Drs. etc... are so vulnerable to suicide. Those that are a witnesses to war, trauma, are exposed to a depth of humanity that many of us never get to see (fortunately). But I'm at a loss to what could happen to someone like Anthony Bourdain. It just proves that we all have our on personal demons and how we choose to handle them is the deciding factor whether we live or die by our own hands.

 

i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the suicides that are happening. I know i'll never know the demons that someone is dealing with. It still struggle to figure out what my step-son thought was so bad that he's done the things he's done. I fear we will see a huge spike in suicides because of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. I wish people didn't see that as a way out, but now that it's been publicized more people will opt for it. I don't know of a fix, but i do know there are too many assholes and not enough friends in this world right now.