Joke Thread

Been browsing around for quite a while now and noticed we don't have a dedicated joke thread. If you're like me, which I know many of you are, you can't pass up a good joke (groaners, dead baby, puns)! Share your favorites and let's try to keep it PG-13. If you must share something edgy, at least use the NFSW filter...

Share them up!

 

Why don't pirates know the entire alphabet?
They keep getting stuck at "C"

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor

Why shouldn't you move to Moscow right now?
No point in Russian into things

 

@NunyaBizness I'm sure you got a bunch

 

This thread is a joke

 

What's the biggest shipping day of the year?
Every single Haul-i-day

 

What's worse than 100 dead babies nailed to a tree?
1 dead baby nailed to 100 trees

 

What's red and green and goes a 100mph?

Frog in a blender.

 

Holy heck, brings back memories
https://joecartoon.com/games/play/65/Frog_in_a_Blender

 

The county fair was coming to town and there was to be a contest at the fair for fattest pig and talented animals.
Three brother farmers were excited and decided to enter their prize pig, but he needed fattening up. They had 3 weeks before the contest, the first week they gave her extra food morning noon and night and she added 10 pounds, which was fantastic. The second week, they gave her twice as much food as the week before and she gained another 15 pounds. The brothers were delighted, but felt they could have done better getting her to gain weight for the contest. The three at around brain stormimg ideas on how to get her fatter. One said, "maybe, we can feed her some lead pellets. That will make her heavier." Another said, " how about we stick a cork in her ass?" The third agreed that was a great idea. They drew straws to see who would get the dirty job. After the cork was inserted and secured, they agreeed they should feed her as much food as she could eat in a week. This work extremely well the brothers thought. She gained so much weight she could barely be lifted into the truck.
Time for the contest arrived and the county fair opened and people came from all over to enter their prize pigs. The 3 brothers were 7th in line for registration. They finally registered and got their booth number. They spent the next 30 minutes looking for the booth and when they found it, they set up and unloaded their prize winner. About 10 minutes later, agentleman with a monkey shows up and occupies the booth next to the brothers. The brothers introduced themselves and said they were here for the fattest pig contest. asked what he was there for? The gentleman answered, " i am here to show off how talented my monkey is", and proceeded to set up his booth.
The judging was about to begin and the brothers looked worried and hoped they would be judged soon. They judges moved their way through the rows of booths and the contestants. They made their way to the gentleman with the monkey next to the brothers. Thejudges asked what the monkey's talent was and the gentleman answered, my monkey can remove corks from wine bottles! The brothers looked at each other and began to squirm a little. The man went to pull a few corked bottles from his case and the monkey got away from him. The monkey ran directly to the pig and removed the cork the brothers had placed in the pigs ass.
About 35 minutes later when the police were talking with the 3 brothers to get their statement....
They asked the first brother, "what did you see?"
The brother answered, "nothing but !
They asked the second brother, "what did you see?"
The second brother answered, " nothing but !
The police then asked the third brother, "what did you see?"
Third brother answers, "all i saw was that poor fucking monkey trying to put that cork back in!

 

What looks to be a pickup but has a Camry engine?

 

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down 4 skin divers.

 

How do you get a dead baby into a can?
A blender.

How you get it out?
Chips.

 

A school in the United States is on fire. One fireman is throwing the kids through the window, while the other one is standing on the ground and catching them. After half of an hour the upper fireman asks:

- Hey man, why aren't you catching black kids?

- Oh shit, I thought these were the burnt ones.

 

How come football stadiums are windy?....



because of the fans...

 

Why'd the T-Rex cross the road?
The chicken hadn't evolved yet!