Marriage

This.

For me, it was all the spending, going out without me 4-6 nights a week, and the cheating. How does anyone come back from that? Once fundamental trust is gone and utter betrayal is discovered, there is no returning from that. Did we have our issues, sure. I think every relationship does and NO ONE is perfect. NO ONE. It takes two as you mentioned. But, when one side (me) is trying to have conversations, talk things out, get a counselor to help the two of us, but it is just refused by the other party, it is time to throw in the towel.

The last year has been rough, but I know things would be a LOT worse for me had we stayed together. 1000%. My .02.

 

Having just gotten officially married earlier this year to my best friend let me chime in a little.

I was married once before it was horrible. We fought every single day. We didn’t love each other but we had a daughter that I adopted. My daughter started picking up on our aggressive attitudes towards each other and once I noticed what was happening to her it became evident that either we get our shit together or get away from each other. We tried we did the counseling but neither of us were mature enough to take our own shit. There’s always two sides to every story. Your side and hers.

You say micromanaging etc she probably sees something in you that makes her act this way. There is the chance she is just overly controlling but 9/10 times you both are flawed in your own way. And that’s fine. But you have to realize your own crap. For instance I read your posts and you were on the it’s over I want out page on day one. To going to we are going to work on it on day 3. That shows a sense of compulsive nature and maybe you jump before you see what’s under you. Maybe not. It’s the internet after all.

Anyways. I started working longer, spending more time at the gym, coming home really late and I justified it by if I wasn’t here no fighting. But I was missing out on my life with my daughter. After a while we were out to eat and we went for a ride alone after that. I parked the truck and said we need to talk. We’ve tried this we’ve tried that I don’t know what else to do. I want both of us to be happy but it seems like we’re fire to each other’s burning house. And we both mutually made the decision to terminate the marriage.

now fast-forward a few years later. We are damn near best friends. We both have respect for each other. She can call me if she needs advice and vice versa. Our relationship with our daughter has never been stronger. So the whole point of this rambling is divorce isn’t always the worst thing like people think. But it certainly shouldn’t be one of the first things you run to.

talk to your wife ask her what are you doing or not doing that would make this marriage better. And then equally tell her the same things.

 

Ive been married, divorced, serial dated for a while, now living with someone again. Learned a lot of hard lessons with each relationship, but life also gets better with each, so I have been lucky in that regard.

All I can offer is this: The biggest warning signs that my marriage was about to fail happened about a year prior to the cheating. We were attending counselling to better learn to communicate. At the time I didn't see just how one sided those sessions were. It was all about my habits that she couldn't live with, me agreeing to change some very hard-set ways (not just to please one person, some of these things I didnt like about myself and I truly wanted to be a better human.) And every week when I would show progress on what I did to become more active in my personal relationships, it was met with dull pessimism. It was the pessimism and the one-sidedness that were the coffin nails.

"I want to believe that this will work, but I have doubts that things will get better long-term." That sentence, right there, should have told me that she was checked out and wasn't going to put any more effort into it, no matter what miracles I performed. But I missed it. I didn't see it until the cheating started.

As it was said above, put in 100%. Be open to the other person's needs, and do your damned best to meet them with optimism that it will get better. And get agreement that she will do the same. If its just one person putting in the work, (whether its you or her, or even if you rotate in and out half-assed,) it ain't gonna.

 

I love being married

 

Probably not.

We'll celebrate 37 years together in October. If something happened to my gal there would be no point in looking for a replacement.

 

My wife and I agreed that after 75 years I have the right to look for another 21 year old.

 

Fair deal

 

Several years back my wife had been watching one of those tear jerker made for TV movies about some guy who dumped his wife after many years of marriage for a younger woman. With tears in her eyes my wife looked at me and asked, "You wouldn't trade me in for a newer model would you?". I replied, "Of course not, but I might be talked into a test drive."

Wrong answer.

We do have a standing agreement though. If she ever gets a chance to sleep with Robert Redford she can. I have the same deal with Emmy Lou Harris.

 

Wife and I have been together for 16 years and married 9. Our son is nearly 15. About 7 years ago I took a night shift job that lasted 5 years. In that time I barely got to see either of them. The separation and sleeping in other rooms because my schedule was so different has took a toll on me and I began to feel like a roommate in my own home. Fast forward to 3 years ago I got off overnight shift and found a day job hoping those feelings would change. But they haven’t. I still feel like an outsider and have talked with her about it throughout these years. I’m broken about feeling this way but I told her last weekend that I can’t go on living like this anymore. It’s too damn hard. To watch them and feeling like I’m not a part of this. Like I’m missing them but they are in the same room. I’ll never fault her for this because bills needed to be paid and they had to build a life with me being gone, but damn this sucks.

 

Y'all must be about dead.

 

Both 62. But that agreement was made almost 40 years ago when we were all a lot younger.

 

I dealt with the night work hours also. I did 2nd shift to advance my career but my ex couldn't 'handle things' after she got home from work and my son's grades started dropping so I had to take a 3rd shift position so I could be home to keep some kind of structure. I always tried to do things like go out to lunch with her(2nd shift) or hang out with her as she fell asleep(3rd shift) before I went into work but working completely different schedules is difficult. All you can do is try and mitigate the time apart and keep the discussion open on how everyone is feeling.

 

Damn, there's some pretty sad stories in here but also some really uplifting ones. I've never been married so I can't speak to that. I've dated lots of women over the years. Most of my relationships beyond the flings have lasted about 2-4 years, before her or I or both decide this is probably not working out. I'm 36 now and realizing I passed on some pretty phenomenal women and wondering if I'll ever sack up the balls to do it. I'm not sure how old you are OP but being single sucks more as you get older especially during this lame ass Covid. I guess my main advice would be give it everything you've got if you wanna keep her, if you feel like you've done that and it's beyond repair no sense in dragging it out. It really sucks looking back on anything in life and wishing you woulda done more or tried harder, cause once a woman is gone she typically ain't coming back.

 

When I was young I married the most pretty blue eyed blond that gave me a chubby every time I looked at her. She had a perfect body and talked the talk. That was until we got married. Things quickly went down hill. I did everything I could to make it work but it was impossible. She cheated on me more than once and it got to the point where it would never work. Luckily the divorce was simple and I have never seen her since. It lasted less than a year and I was devastated.

Years later and having dated many more girls I met my now wife online. We have the same inspirations and have been very happily married for 12 years now. It gets better with her every day. While my wife is very pretty I had this song stuck in my head since the divorce many years ago.

It's more just for fun.

 

Once you understand that marriage is an institution of women, by women and for women you'll be able to understand and hopefully deal with the craziness that ensues. Human males would be better served by living like many male mammals. Impregnate the female and move on to another. No connection other than for procreation.

 

The Women we fell in love with...
Isn't the Women we married...

Society (feminism) uses the term entitlement alot...
So many (not all) women just aren't transparent...

 

I mean, everyone changes. All people change over time, and marriage should change people (for the positive) as they mature. If you have a truck for 20 years, it's gonna run differently for sure, but you should have had a pretty good indication on what you were getting when you bought it.

Not sure what you mean by this, man. Do you think men & women should be treated equally in society? If 'yes' - you're a feminist, haha. Feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes". It's wanting a level playing field. So even "radical feminism" means "radical wanting things being equal" - lol

 

One that I heard years ago: Marriage is like a deck of cards. Starts out with a heart and a diamond, later you want a club and a spade.
I`ve been married over 40 years. Good wife, good kids, and good granddaughters. We very rarely argue. Have never had a big blowup, and hardly ever a cross word. I`m pretty lucky.

 

Congrats on 40+.

We're getting close. "Luck" and non-negotiable boundaries got us here. Mostly luck.