Dad jokes

Maybe not a dad joke so much as a joke for dads:

 

The guy that killed Damler in prison claimes it was self defense. Damler was chasing him with a loaf of bread and a jar of mayonaisse.

 

My first wife was staring at the window during a heavy snowstorm. I thought “If this keeps up I’m going to have to let her in”.

 

A woman was complaining to her husband about his dog. It was big, smelly, and hogged the bed. She gave her husband an ultimatum "Either me or the dog!"

The man thought a bit and said to his wife, "If I can prove that the dog loves me more than you love me, the dog stays"

"Fine" says the wife. "Prove it and the dog stays"

So the husband takes the dog and wife outside and opens the trunk of the first car and tells the wife to get in. She sits in the truck and says "now what?"

The husband shuts the trunk and locks the wife in. "ARE YOU F-IN KIDDING ME?!?! LET ME OUT NOWWW!"

As the wife screamed, kicked, and cursed the husband led the dog to the next car and locked him in the trunk as well. He then went inside, ate some lunch, watched some of the ball game, and threw back a few beers.

After about an hour he went back outside and opened the trunk with the wife in it.

The wife immediately jumps out and pummels the husband with punches, kicks, slaps, and curses. "YOU PEICE OF *&#%*# *@$&!%$#!!!!!"

As she pauses the catch her breath, still glaring daggers at the husband he says "Now lets see how the dog greats me"

 

What do you call a fat psychic

A 4 chin teller

 

What did Spartacus say when the lion at his wife?

Nothing, he was Gladiator

 

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

every time I walk by she says: “what an ass!”

 

Gee I really dont know what came over these people, I gues they lost their heads.

 

I don't know why everyone complains about genetically modified food.
I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day.