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A letter to alcohol....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nd, Mar 12, 2008.

  1. Mar 12, 2008 at 9:30 AM
    #1
    nd

    nd [OP] Radical Town. It's a hell of a place!

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    Dear Alcohol,

    First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my Friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your biggest fan

    P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative

    2. Preliminary

    3. Proliferation

    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity

    2. British Constitution

    3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

    2. Nope, no more beer for me.

    3 . Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
     
  2. Mar 12, 2008 at 3:55 PM
    #2
    concrete jedi

    concrete jedi Well-Known Member

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    I am writing you in for President of the United States, you are my commander and chief !:drunk:
     
  3. Mar 12, 2008 at 5:50 PM
    #3
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    I like that one! :D
     
  4. Mar 12, 2008 at 6:09 PM
    #4
    rhoppas

    rhoppas Land of Oz

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    OK, where is the real nd?

    That was sooo much better than the normal incoherent ramblings that we have become accustomed to. :poking:
     
  5. Mar 12, 2008 at 6:15 PM
    #5
    TheMaster

    TheMaster Born to Ride

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    You got that right. So shut up whack job.
     
  6. Mar 13, 2008 at 6:55 AM
    #6
    Burns

    Burns Well-Known Member

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    That's what I was thinking, maybe that was a post he made on one of those rare occasions when ND was sober?
     
  7. Mar 13, 2008 at 7:37 AM
    #7
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Or he left his account logged in and his GF decided to have some fun. :D
     
  8. Mar 13, 2008 at 8:58 AM
    #8
    gdawg25

    gdawg25 Zoom-Zoom

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    I knew it! Queer.
     
  9. Mar 13, 2008 at 10:36 AM
    #9
    Burns

    Burns Well-Known Member

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    Nice the truth comes out or should I says comes out of the closet!
     
  10. Mar 13, 2008 at 10:43 AM
    #10
    orangebutte

    orangebutte Well-Known Member

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    After so many years it's nice to wake up without a foggy brain. Yep, I'm a friend of Bill W.
     
  11. Mar 13, 2008 at 12:34 PM
    #11
    TheMaster

    TheMaster Born to Ride

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    :rockband:
     
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