Anxiety / Depression

Did Shauna send you?!

 

I feel you, I suffer from a form of manic depression. I thrive in chaos and when things are going smoothly, I start to break a little and pick at my self worth, worthiness to be loved, my success at work and none of it seems to be enough. I sell everything, change jobs, move states and start everything over. It gives me a feeling of calm somehow. I used to do it every year, I’ve been in my house now for three years, job for two, I have worked with a therapist and started to try and figure out the root of some of my issues. It takes time, thought, and dedication to the hard conversations within. I’ve been to the brink, moments away from pulling the trigger and the guilt and deep sadness I felt for my children is all that kept me alive, I’m grateful. Sometimes I still struggle, of course, it’s part of the battle and comes in and recedes like the ocean tides. I Feel for all of you.

complete side note, I don’t really watch tv at all, maybe 4 hours a month on a heavy month. I recently watched Ted Lasso, of you haven’t seen it, I totally encourage it. There is a great subplot story of coming to grips with one’s mental health and there were a couple of episodes where I absolutely broke down crying because of how much I related to the way it was presented. The coming to terms with needing to find help and that help leading to a better day.

 

Thank you.

 

I posted on the Meet up we had in Philly today...and then saw this thread.

I was just gonna click "watch thread" but had some dialogue...

It's great to have someone to talk to...a person(s) who is a good listener.

I find that letting my thoughts run away (by over-analyzing) can lead to dumb thoughts of blame. (projected thoughts)

I'm being vague on purpose but what I describe goes away when I tell myself to stop thinking that way.

Could it be anxiety, I don't know?

All I know is, talking myself out of "projected thoughts" seems to have worked for me.

Seems like talking yourself out of certain conditions can work as I have read on this thread...flying on a plane and being that guy who wants to be on the tarmac.

 

So, does being anxious help channel anxiety?

Good interview with Emma Stone...she explains what I typed above at 7:43.

 

No, I am just a person who believes that everyone deserves to be heard.

 

That is what most people struggle with, ability to challenge those thoughts and turn their volume down. I am glad that you use those coping mechanisms that people sometimes take a long while to learn in therapy. It makes me smile that you have found something that helps you.

 

Interesting thread.

My dad has epilepsy. I've always been sorta anxious about when his next episode will be. He had an episode about 3 years ago when I was about 18 where his seizure caused him to go into cardiac arrest. I watched him face plant on our front sidewalk, the seizure and cardiac arrest then watched my mom do CPR on him after his heart stopped while I was on the phone with 911.
Watched paramedics give him CPR and use the defibrillator multiple times trying to bring him back.

They barely got him stable enough to go to the hospital. At the hospital they weren't equipped to meet his needs at the time so they had to life flight him to a better hospital. They told us there was a very good chance he wouldn't survive the flight. He survived the flight but we couldn't visit him that night. That whole night I felt beside myself.

Mom and I were a good team. I told mom that as long as dad's still with us and she was okay that I was okay.

He ended up defying the odds and made a good recovery though we can tell he's changed slightly.

I get really anxious sometimes when he does things that are tell tale signs he's having a seizure like not responding to questions as he stares blankly. Sometimes I worry about when and where the next one will be.

Mom was diagnosed with some mild PTSD if I remember correctly. I never visited a Dr. or counselor but I probably have some too.

So yeah.... that's what gets me anxious

 

It's scary to watch that stuff. My dad also has epilepsy, and despite a long career as a neurologist he ironically hated to take the meds for it. I've seen him go through two grand mals at home, and my sister was riding passenger when he had one in the car. It's terrifying to see any tiny change in behavior and ask yourself "is this an onset or is he just tired?"

I will say that the drugs to control it have greatly improved over the last two decades. There are ones out there now that are effective for most people and they are light on the side effects. Is your dad on meds for it?

 

You definitely understand what I'm talking about.

He is. He was on one medication for years with no seizures. His doc retired and the new one put him on a different medication. The new one completely changed his seizures. He used to only have them at night while he was sleeping. Now they are during the day or sleeping. He's changed docs a few times since the one changed his meds.

He is good about taking his meds so that helps.

 

Sadly that's not unique. I would take my college pocket change by doing the filing for dads practice, and it was weird listening to his advice to his patients, who had the exact same illness.


But yes, 90% of his new patient intake was determining that someone was over medicated and their combo was causing adverse interactions, or that they were on ineffective meds. It's tough. Every case is unique.

But if you find one that works, make a note of it and be insistent. Similarly, make notes of the ones that didn't work too.

But I totally know the feeling. It's the feeling of trying to enjoy one's company in the moment while quietly trying to tell the brain to stop playing what-if games. I wish I knew the answer to that. Other than age. I have noticed that as I get ever older I have come to expect and accept the inevitable. But at 20... 20 year old me was terrified of that stuff.

 

Just found this thread. Don't know how I haven't seen it before. I haven't read all 16 pages but I'm sure some very good advice has been given out throughout its course.

About 11 years ago I posted this thread and it seemed to resonate with many people. I've actually spoken to @crashngiggles on the phone and he is exactly what he mentioned. Very compassionate and considerate and I appreciate that he is willing to help any TW member and all the other people he treats.

Although what I went through was 13 years ago, I still deal with the daily struggle of anxiety. I have no idea what each day will bring when I wake up each morning. Some days are completely fine and then some days I have no motivation to even get out of bed. The drugs that I was abusing is a thing of the past. But I feel as if I have lived two different lives now that I have gone through what I went through. The person I used to be and the person that I am now. Before what took place with me, I felt like I could do anything I set my mind too. And I did. I felt invincible. Now, most days I feel that it can feel quite overwhelming. I have seen three different therapist in the past along with two different psychologist. And I'll be quite honest, none of that worked for me. Each therapist that I met always felt like I was talking to a bobbing head and each psychologist I spoke to just wanted to throw medication at me rather than actually take the time to see what is really going on under the hood.

I retired from the FD when I was 48 and we are in a financial position that allowed for my wife to retire last year at 48 also. My wife and I had always planned on moving to Colorado after retirement. We moved to Colorado Springs in May of last year. Last year was probably one of the most stressful years of my life. I won't go into all the issues we had with the move and everything that entailed because that would take up the entire forum. Our daughter is 18 and she is going to college out here with us. We live in a beautiful place with over a 100 mile view of the front range with Pikes Peak directly in our line of sight with no obstructions of the mountains.

I suppose that I always assumed that moving out here would not necessarily "solve" my problems but at least diminish the symptoms. That, so far hasn't been the case. Most of that is due to just how bad last year was and I still haven't had a chance to catch my breath. And even though the vast majority of the issues we had last year have been taken care of, I still cannot completely get settled in.

I have been on just about every antidepressant on the market and my brain just does not do well on antidepressants. I have either too many adverse side effects or I'm just going through life feeling like a zombie. Neither happy nor sad. Just the middle ground of having no feelings what so ever. I'd rather feel pain than not feel anything at all. I will not lie to anyone on here because what's the use if you are not truthful. But I do take 2mgs of extended release Xanax each day. I find it better than taking regular Xanax because I feel there is less room for abuse since the extended release does not give you that initial release of endorphins that regular Xanax does. And there is less room for abuse since you can't feel when the extended release takes effect. I just notice that throughout the day I'm not quite as on edge as I would be otherwise.

But there is a huge downside to this also. I've been on it for so long that coming off of it is going to be almost impossible. Xanax was never intended to be taken long term. But I have been on it for a very long time and although it does help, I can't stay on it for the rest of my life.

What I find that works the best for me is just face to face human interaction. Having a conversation with someone where you aren't constantly in your own head all the time. But it's wintertime up here and most everyone is locked inside. So that takes away the ability to have those conversations with other people quite a bit. That is the only thing that I have found that works for me personally.

I guess the thing that bothers me most is I just don't feel like I'll ever be "completely" happy again. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. But being completely content seems to be out of reach at this moment.

 

Tell me about. I got canned in 2015 after I got into a, um, kerfuffle with a coworker who (keeping it vague) was of a different race than I am. All the witnesses of the kerfuffle were also of his race too so you can draw your own conclusions there.

The company didn't want to get into a long drawn out battle over race so they took the easy, Politically Correct route and let me go even though I was clearly in the right.

And they didn't even have the common decency to tell me in person. They called me at home that evening and told me not to come back. This drove me to attempt "the dirty deed".

 

I’m happy you’re still here, Tim. Being in that dark hole isn’t a good place.

 

This seems like a thread I could start to learn something from. I have no formal diagnosis but I have been having anxiety worse and worse over the years since college and lately I'm feeling more and more like the things I enjoy are no longer making me happy. I used to be so good at letting things brush off of me but maybe it is all catching up finally. I dread the coming morning when work is on the horizon, I'm at the point where I'm not even worried about being let go, I just try to do what I can and hope it will be enough. I was hired for a position that was vacant for so long that no one was even around to train for and is more than was in the job description. That is enough to make things kind of bleak but I understand it is just work and I should be able to enjoy my home life still but lately I can't ever really do that. Stuff in my general family "sphere" is okay for the most part but I have things on the horizon there that are looming as well. I dunno, I just want to be able to have moments of normalcy again, they don't feel as frequent anymore and I'm withering away from the lack.

 

Nothing I use to do entertain me anymore. Sucks. Hope you can work through this.

 

I have struggled with depression my whole life, have seen professionals. The things that have worked best for me is staying busy and occupied. It’s extremely difficult to most of the time but I’m able. Recently was forced into retirement and was a huge setback. It’s been almost two years since the life change and I’m starting to except it. Winter time is always the worst, harder to stay busy. Just venting to people with similar circumstances is very helpful.

 

I haven't had feelings of any depression for a long while now. But the anxiety attacks yea the like to appear out of thin air alot more than they use too.

 

Vent away brother. Glad this thread exists. I had a hard time talking to anybody for years about what goes on inside my head. Honestly most people don't want to hear it. Or they act like they do.

 

I try not to think of it as depression or maybe it is and it is just mild, I don't feel like I mirror the symptoms from the commercials. But man the fear of more anxiety is the worst.