Can you read this without laughing??

I Googled a street address and it happen to have a restaurant Yelp review with the results. I was curious why it received one star, so I went ahead an read it and can't remember laughing so much after reading a review.

I thought about having a contest to see if anyone could post a review funnier than mine. We could judge 20 entries in the poll section and the winner could have bragging rights, as the winner of that thread, then a new one could be started over again after 1 week.

*PLEASE put the number (#) before your post, so people know what review to vote for. I'm the first, so #1. and the next review will put a #2. before their review.....etc

 

#1. The fastest way to review this place is to tell you, "STAY AWAY, IT SUCKS!!!!!"
Went there last night 4/27/13 and will never be back again, EVER!!! I wouldn't even send my worst enemy there.
Someone told me to try this. I went on their web site, looked very nice, as did the menu. Now I wonder where the pictures were taken, they weren't from the place we were at last night. Or where they got the menu that they had on the site.
We sat at the bar, had a drink, we're in no hurry, and watched and listened as people with coupons came in, and got their food. From the 3 different tables behind me I can tell you that NOT ONE liked the food. Should have left after hearing that but unfortunately didn't.
I have been buying my own food at restaurants for over 40 years. This is BY FAR the ABSOLUTE WORST place I have ever wasted my money. Our entire meal was cold, tasteless, and not worth even half of what we paid. My wife's fish smelt like ammonia, my steak tips seem to be cut from a pair of leather work boots. I have never left food on my plate without at least taking a doggie bag home. I love my 2 dogs too much to have to force them to eat that stuff. My entire plate went back, as did my wife's. Our waitress asked if there was anything wrong and we started telling her everything that wasn't to our liking. She gave us a GREAT answer, "It's pub grub, not gourmet food!" Even the worst of food, pub grub, or dog food, is at least served warm, which this wasn't. This was/is neither pub grub, gourmet, or dog food. This is just nasty crap!!!!!
I ordered french onion soup, and it came with a square piece of cheese half melted on top. Half of my wife's salad was brown. My wife's fish looked as if it fell on the floor at least twice. The veggies, once frozen a week ago, smelled like they were at least a week old. The rice pilaf my wife requested tasted as if it came from a box a few days prior.
All in all the rating here on yelp would only let me give this place 1 star and not a quarter of a star which it should be rated. Stay away!!!!! This place is HORRIBLE!!!!!

 

Not Yelp...but funny as hell

#2

I have seen the face of God., October 21, 2014
By
Douglas Pope

This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I didn't feel the need to plan my weekend around 5 small gummybears. But if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
It began with a noticeable change in the viscosity of my saliva. Within minutes of consumption, my mouth had filled with a thick foamy slime. Though I was in a cool climate controlled room a salty sweat broke out, and I felt my heartbeat quicken as my body threw itself into fight or flight.
The animal noises broadcasting from my pelvis were an ominous warning of the violent acts that were to follow. I shouldered my way into the bathroom, clawing at my belt, moaning with pain. The smell came first. It started sweet, almost tangy. That was quickly overpowered by a cloying chemical perfume.
The first volley of feces hit the water like soda cans and nickles. The resulting splash drenching my bottom in foul brackish water, but this was quickly becoming the least of my worries.
After another moment, the noises in my core hit a fever pitch and I was struck rigid with pain. The sweat was now running into my eyes, but the room had turned ice cold and my hands began to spasm.
I felt an insidious burning flooding my escape hatch. I gasped. Hot yellow poison began spraying from my rear, changing in pitch and echo as the stream of diarrhea whipped around the toilet bowl, creating a nightmarish Doppler effect that can only be appreciated in hindsight.
My legs fell asleep sitting on the toilet. I couldn't have stood up if I wanted to.
Wiping was a no-go. Toilet paper simply became a vile paper mache'. My hands were quickly soiled. A full blown shower was needed, and all of my towels had to be burned.
So happy with my purchase, would recommend to friends and definitely buying again!

 

WOW-- #2 was funny, gross, and violent all erupting together at once, but I guess the title, "I have seen the face of God" said it all..

 

#3 $120k Tv


Can't go wrong! Buy Buy Buy!
ByJUSTIN K.on September 8, 2016

I sold my son's kidney to get buy this but it's totally worth it for both he and I. Spongebob seems to just pop out form the screen and I'm the envy of the neighborhood. Honestly I think $120,000 is actually too low a price for such a fine piece of Chinese workmanship!