Dad jokes

Living near DC I hear all the legends about our founding fathers. Apparently George Washington once threw a silver dollar all the way across the Potomac river.


I know it sounds impossible but you have to realize, money went a lot further back in those days!

 

What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?













Dr. Dre!

 

I've gota couple of dad jokes about airplanes, but I never bother telling them anymore.


Seems like they always go over every everybody's head.

 

Did you hear about the world's shortest king? He was only twelve inches tall.

He was a terrible monarch, but I hear he made a pretty good ruler!

 

not a dad joke, but gonna throw it down...
an elderly lady is laying on her deathbed and calls her husband into the the room and says,
"honey, I need you to look under the bed, there is a wooden box under there, pull it out and open it up."
He does as he's asked and inside the box are 5 eggs and 16k and some change in cash.
he asks, "what are the 5 eggs for?"
She responds, "every time we had bad sex, I'd put an egg in the box"
He thinks, after 50 years, not bad.
Then asks, "what is the cash for?"
She responds, "every time I got a dozen eggs, I'd sell them."

 

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.

 

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

I was offered a job in Seoul starting this fall...

...just not sure it’s the best Korea move.

 

Why do you always see seagulls flying over the ocean?



Because if they were flying over the bay.. they'd be bagels!

 

"Man who eats beans before church, set in own pew all day long."
-Confucius

 

What did the ocean day when it met the shore?

Nothing, it just.. waved.

 

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

 

How do you know if a tree is a dogwood tree?

By it's bark.

 

One evening while riding along the dusty trail a cowboy saw a welcoming fire at which sat an older fellow and his scruffy dog. The cowboy introduces himself and asks to share the old man's fire, and is welcomed to do so. "Not only that" says the old man, "but I have some extra stew and coffee and I'd be pleased to share."
As the old man goes to scoop up the stew though the cowboy notices the plate is far from spotless, and so he politely offers to wash the plate in the nearby stream.
The old man, obviously mildly offended, replies "I'll have you know this plate was cleaned by three rivers, and if that isn't good enough for you then neither is my dinner!" The cowboy, obviously impressed, offers his humble apologies and enjoys his dinner.
After he's finished the cowboy again offers to clean his plate in the nearby stream. The old man says "I wouldn't think of it, you are my guest and I'll handle the clean up!"
He takes the plate, lays it by his side, gives a sharp whistle and yells "THREEEE RIVERS!!" The scruffy dog trots up... and starts cleaning the plate...

 

I have a secret I’ve kept hidden all my life…. I’m terrified of elevators.
I always take steps to avoid them.

 

What’s the difference between cancer and my dad..

my dad didn’t beat cancer.

 

I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book - not only was it embarrassing, it cost a fortune in stamps.

 

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a new pad."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"