Dad jokes

Did you know that hot flashes in a woman is...





Just her inner child playing with matches.

 

Remember: A Butt Dial and a Booty Call are two entirely different things.

 

My truck has a butt dyno. Same?

 

A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ended the conversation with "Yeah. Well, hey. I gotta cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

 

Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?

Why do we send something on a ship and call it Cargo but sent something by car and call it a Shipment?

Why are asteroids up in the hemisphere and hemorrhoids up in your.......?

 

Food prices are through the roof. I still eat steak sometimes but it's rare.

 

I have a new proctologist. I really like him. He has an excellent butt-side manner.

 

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

 

I went to a new restaurant and ordered the chicken-fried steak. The waitress said "Sorry, we don't have a chickens that know how to fry a steak."

 

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.

But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.

And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Greg, I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.

If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me.

I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.

Norm Macdonald

 

That. That was terrible.

 

If Mama Cass Elliot had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

 

Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction.

 

Wut ???


(Google's them...)











That's so wrong.

 

The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

 

Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense????

A: I’ll tell you tomorrow

 

I’m still waiting for the first guy to tell me, now I have to wait for you as well.


Please tell me, I keep asking every one, but no one seems to know.