Dad jokes

First you need to go into a round room and pee in the corner…

 

I planted some trees in my yard. When I was done I stood back and looked at them. Sure enough, I couldn't see the forest.

 

"Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?"

"Nothing special, we pretty much tell then straight up that they are going to die."

 

I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

 

How do you measure a snake???


In inches, cause they don’t have feet!

 

Have you heard the rumor about butter??


Never mind…..I shouldn’t spread it.

 

[Me out walking my dog]

An old man rolls up beside us in his electric wheelchair and asks me "Did you adopt him?"

I said "No, my wife and I had him naturally."

He gave me a strange look and went on his way.

 

Why don’t blind people sky dive??



Cause it scares their dogs!

 

How do they know when they are getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

 

Why can’t Helen Keller drive??


Cause she’s a woman!

 

Me: Boss, we need to stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? A lot of companies test their products on animals.

Me: Yes, but we make hammers.

 

Two fools each bought a horse. But they couldn’t tell them apart. So the first fool trimmed his horses tail and all was fine until the other horse got his tail caught in the barn door. Then they couldn’t tell them apart again. So the second fool notched his horses ear, and that was fine until the first fools horse got his ear caught on a fence nail and it got notched.

So finally they decided that they would measure the horses and sure enough they found out that the black horse was a two hands taller than the white horse.

 

I'll never own a German Shepard dog!


Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

 

Down travel on 1 st gen tacoma IFS... that's a joke in itself

 

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet."

 

Perfect! My pups go ape shit for pancakes!

 

Mexican magician:
"I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *POOF!*
And just like that he vanished without a tres.