Dad jokes

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

 

When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

 

Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his ass or else he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

 

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

 

If they give you Mouse Ears at Disneyland, what do they give you at Dollywood?

 

If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, let's just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

 

Really Bad Analogies:

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the middle.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The knowledge that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame; maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

She caught my eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

His whole argument was as pointless as caffeine-free diet soda.

John already had more problems than a math book and needed another one like Dolly Parton needs a Wonderbra.

His new truck was a beauty but it ate gas like a fat kid with a KFC bucket.

 

I’m going to Canada and heard it was cold there.

Somebody said “Canada? Wear the fox hat?”

 

"Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

 

I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

My generation grew up looking for frogs and shit. Your generation grew up looking for a WiFi signal. We are not the same.

 

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he's a neck romancer

 

Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

 

Three vampires belly up to the bar. The barkeep says "What'll be fellas?"

The first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood." The second vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood too." The third vampire says "I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The barkeep says "OK two Bloods and Blood Lite comin' right up!"

 

I went out to eat the other day and I noticed that my utensils were stuck together...I told the waitress about it and she told me that they were spooning.

 

These are really funny man. I gotta find a way to work some of them into conversations.