Dad jokes

Why can’t white people have Asian babies?

2 whites can’t make a wong

 

What do you call a woman who is hot but can't cook?

Kim DoorDashian

 

I'm allergic to wheat but I eat it anyway. You might say I'm a gluten for punishment.

 

I may not cast the first stone but I'll sure as hell cast the last one.

 

It is all about perspective...

Remember, the next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective.
I know a guy who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day,
and has people who want to have sex with him all the time;
yet complains about how much he hates prison.

 

I talk to myself because I need expert advice.

 

And you like a good listener.

 

If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

 

Why do bears where socks?


To cover their bare feet.

 

And all this time I though Coachella was a Disney Princess who sold expensive purses.

 

A Dyslexic man walks into a Bra

 

Make better choices please….

 

Obviously a Sport owner. Because he's certainly not a Pro.

 

Even us tried and true dads of sons like us can’t unsee that.

 

ok so maybe it’s an old man joke but I thought it funny….

The Ron Chester Story

Ron Chester, 93 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2:00 a.m. and was asked where he was going.

Ron replied, "Well, officer, I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects alcohol, smoking and staying out late have on the human body."

The officer asked, "Really, so you're going to a lecture… who’s giving that lecture at this time of night ?"



Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "OK, fellas, I need to see some ID."

 

I was at Walmart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up... in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in in......tensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Now that you've read it I have to confess I stole this . Perhaps you may steal it to put a smile on someone's face.