Dad jokes

@HoboDave deserves recognition for this banger of a joke!



After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"


The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"


“Trust me” said the vet.


So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:


“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”


Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

 

Overheard in the Prison Yard.

Inmate #1: I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The warden's mighty upset about it too.
Inmate #2: Why? Because she married a con?
Inmate #1: No, because they eloped.

 

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one photo, because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

 

Some mornings I wake up Bitchy.

Other mornings… I let her sleep.

 

What part of a vegetable can't you eat?



The wheel chair.....

 

Oof!

 

What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?

She had a litter of mittens.

 

What do you call a potato with a penis?

Dictator.

 

The other night while we were out to dinner someone broke into our house and stole all of our fruit!

I'm peachless.

 

If your wife tells you she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.

It's rude and unnecessary to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

 

When a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" it's the same amount time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes."

 

I am going to start a matchmaking app for single socks.

 

Valid.

 

Q: Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid?

A: Because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.