Dad jokes

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?






Because people are dying to get in!

 

Whenever my kid says "Hey dad!" I reply "Straw son?"

 

While on a family road trip last week, my kid asked what town we'd pass through next. I replied "The next town is Nickelson. (pause) It's bigger than Pennyson but not as big as Quarterson." My wife snorted and slapped the dash.

 

What do u call a hungry 50 cent?

58

 

Check out these new loafers...

 

My uncle was recently fired from the orange juice factory... couldn't concentrate.

 

What did the fish say when it swam in to a wall?






Dam!

 

Two snowmen standing in a field, one looks to the other and says "weird, I smell carrots too"

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the Idiot's house.

 

I walked into the room with a light bulb in my mouth.
The kids asked what I was doing.
I said I was having a light snack.

 

When is a car door not a car door...?

When it’s ajar!

 

Why do chicken coops have two doors?








Well, if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.

 

Dad: Knock knock
Kid: Who's there?
Dad: The chicken








If you don't get it see post 52

 

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch? Paint his toenails red.













Allow a long pause while the person tries to figure it out.....





You ever see an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No.

Works pretty good, doesn't it?

 

A woman is kneeling by her just-buried husband's grave. A man walks up, kneels down beside her, says he knew the woman's husband for a long time, and asks if it would be ok if he said a word. She approves. He stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora."

"Thanks," the lady says. "That means a lot."

 

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, Ima carry these two

 

2 peanuts were walking down the street, one was assualted