Dad jokes

Man, those guys writing the obituaries are just killin it!

 

Ya but it’s the cemeteries that folks are dying to get in.

 

Spoiler: Dirty minded dad joke

They outlawed reverse cowgirl in Arkansas, said it wasn’t right to turn your back on family

 

What's the worst part about Friday the 13th?

Monday the 16th.

Anyone got a GOOD Friday the 13th joke?

 

Yeah,
The mechanic at work.

 

New Archeologist (in a VERY excited voice) holding a black stick like stiff object about 6" long: I think I found the petrified penis of a Peruvian Prince!!!

Old, nearly retired archeologist: Nope. Someone crept in the crypt and crapped.

 

Army Sergeant: “ Alright men today we have good news and bad news. The good news is it’s a change of underwear. The bad news is Smith you change with Kowalski, Kowalski you change with Jones…“

 

Supply issues.

 

Found these, there're some good ones in here:

The top 20 dad jokes, as voted for by kids:
1. Why did the crab never share? - Because he’s shellfish.
2. Did you hear the rumour about butter? - Well, I’m not going to spread it!
3. What do you call a man who can’t stand? - Neil.
4. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off!
5. Dad, did you get a haircut? - No, I got them all cut.
6. I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me.
7. What do you call a bear without any teeth? - A gummy bear!
8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? - He couldn’t see himself doing it.
9. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? - A trumpet.
10. Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands? - Because they are extinct.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day... but I couldn’t find any.
12. Why did the picture go to jail? - Because it was framed.
13. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? - Its very time-consuming.
14. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen? - Royal tea.
15. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? - Anna one, Anna two!
16. How do you cut the ocean in half? - With a sea-saw.
17. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
18. Why did the tomato blush? - Because it saw the salad dressing.
19. Where do you learn to make ice cream? - Sundae school.
20. What do you call a small mother? - A minimum.

The Top 20 Funniest Dad Jokes, According To Kids | HuffPost UK Parents (huffingtonpost.co.uk)

 

That #20 must be Shauna
@SRH

 

That’s the same way to catch a Elephant, dig a hole put in the ashes and when the Elephant comes kick in the ash hole!

 

for turkey you dig a hole in the grass and put some food around it. then you kick them in the grass hole.

 

It is!! Can’t even deny it!!

 

How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice and place peas all around it.
When the bear comes up to take a pea kick him in the ice hole!

 

Definition of conflicted.............

Atheist driver behind a car still sitting at a light that has turned green with the bumper sticker 'honk if you love Jesus'.