Dad jokes

l asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace." So, I brought her nothing.

 

I just hear that the company that makes yardsticks will not be making them any longer...

 

I had heard it about the yardstick company being pressured to convert to metric.

 

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals...

IM LIVID!

 

Every morning when I leave the house for work, as I walk to my truck, a bike comes from out of nowhere and runs me over. It's a vicious cycle.

 

Did you hear that oxygen went on a date with potassium?
I heard it was OK.

When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out together, I was like OMg.

Why do I make bad chemistry jokes?
Because all the good ones Argon.

What do you do when no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.

What is HIJKLMNO?
Water!

Why does the Army need acid?
To neutralize enemy bases.

 

I saw a book at the store the other day. It was titled, "How to solve 50% of your problems."


So I bought two.

 

That's foolish. You should have just read it twice!

 

But 50% of 50% is like 25%, so that could mean other problems.

 

After an exhaustive analysis, painstaking research, and careful collaboration with the best mathematicians in this room.....



We have concluded that you would need to read this miracle book no less than ten times in order to solve 99.9% of your problems. Assuming no new problems arise while you are reading it.

This is what I do at work...

 

My dad told me to make little things count. So now I teach math to dwarfs.

 

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.