Dad jokes

Im lavid

FIFY

"Kicked out of the heavy petting zoo"

 

Dyslexic zombies eat Brians.

 

I love Mexican food, but my Doctor told me I should stop eating so many tacos.

I regularly put myself into a tacoma!

 

Oh boy.......

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"




"Not everybody pays."

 

Oof.

 

I may have stumbled upon the next big thing guys and gals - I am going to create a product that is a laxative, but also contains a Motrin like medicine for pain. Gonna call it Ibepoopin!

 

Naw, here's the next big thing; I'm going to open a drive-up plastic surgery business. Gonna call it Jiffy Boob!

 

My friend just had a serious operation on his eyes.
Afterwards the surgeon came to tell him how it went.
"Im afraid I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, you're getting a new dog......"

 

I tried to warn my friend about playing Russian Roulette…

But it went in one ear and out the other.

 

I read that Tom Cruise recently invested in a new Liquor Company.
I don't know about this, it sounds like Whiskey Business.

 

Imagination, a wonderful thing.

 

I went to the grocery store earlier and bought generic frosted flakes.

They’re alr-r-r-r-right!