Dad jokes

This just happened.
We're sitting down, eating dinner. My daughter is wrapping up some homework while she's eating. She turns to Wifey and says; "Hey, Alexa...... I mean, Hey mom."

My wife; "My name is not Alexa, but thanks for asking."

Made me proud.

 

There's a theory that no two people see a color the exact same way...does that mean that a color is a pigment of your imagination?

 

The weirded summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at the Phoenix Zoo...that crap was bananas!

 

I have a pretty terrible fear of elevators.


I'm taking steps to get around it.

 

I'm a kleptomaniac but I'm taking something for it.

 

Anybody know what happened to the meme thread?

 

https://www.tacomaworld.com/threads/chan.5333/

 

Yeah. I figured that out. Thanks.

 

Of all of the inventions in the last 100 years....


The dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

 

The other day I told my wife that her underwear was tight and too revealing. She told me that I should wear my own.

 

I'm reading a horror story in braille, something bad is going to happen...I can just feel it.

 

My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.

 

A friend of mine died recently from massive blood hemorrhaging and nobody knew his blood type. Such a good fellow! I’ll never forget his inspirational last words: “Be positive”.

 

I donated four pints of blood today. NEVER will I do that again...they ask way to many questions. "Who's blood is this?" "Where did you get it from?" "Why do you have it?"