Dad jokes

Our local Regal movie theater stopped allowing people to bring in bags or purses to keep them from sneaking in snacks and drinks...but that's cook, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

 

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house!

 

Won't you get in big trouble from your spouse -and- the law, if you throw one of your children into the fire?!?!?

 

The Fokker
During a reunion of WWI airmen, decorated fighter ace Ole Olsen of Sweden was introduced as a speaker by the MC. During his presentation, Ole was asked by a member of the audience about his most trying moment in battle.
"Vell," he began, his nordic accent hanging heavily, "Vun day, flying over da Nort Sea, I look behind me, and dere's all dese Fokkers quickly closing in."
At this point, the obviously distressed MC rushed to the microphone and hastily explained: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Fokker was a warplane used by the German forces."
"Ya," continued Ole, "dat's true, but THESE Fokkers vere flying Daimlers!"

 

"His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small!" -Mrs. Grinch

 

If you cross a vampire and a snowman do you get frostbite?

How does the tooth fairy visit Santa @ the N pole?
On the Molar Express!

 

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar.

It's a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering

 

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald in a nudist camp?
A: He has sesame seeds on his buns.

 

How about this: A cooking competition show...but all of the chefs have to dodge their own kids running through the kitchen the ENTIRE time...and there are safety locks on all of the cabinets.

 

Why is Santa’s sack so big?



he only comes once a year.

 

I just swallowed a stack of scrabble tiles by accident. My next poop could spell disaster.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wonder Y?
The other day my friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it never use it.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature? Tequila Mockingbird
How many 16 year olds does it take to change a lightbulb? Whatever
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn`t change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction

 

I met a guy the other day who worships certain shades of blue. He's a cyantologist.

 

There are 4 guys in a boat, each one with a cigarette, none of them have a way to light it. So one guy throws a cigarette over the side. The boat instantly becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas!