Dad jokes

Accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...ended up at the doctor waiting to be seen.

 

I yelled "COW!" at a woman riding a bike and she flipped me the bird. Then she plowed her bike straight into a cow.

Hey, I tried.

 

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.”

 

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender says "What'll it be guys?"

The first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood."

The second vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood too."

The third vampire says "I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The bartender says "OK. That'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite."

 

Years ago I had a beard. I really didn't like it at first but then it grew on me.

 

A couple of cows were out in the pasture smoking weed and playing poker. The steaks were high.

 

Everyone is shocked when they find out that I am not a good electrician.

 

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

 

I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

 

Why am I having such a hard time getting this... What am I missing?

 

The clothes aren't shrinking...

 

Thanks for giving me just enough to get it without spoiling it.

 

What I wire catches fire!

 

The best place to be during an earthquake is next to a vending machine.

 

How old am I? Let's just say Dirt respects me as a Elder.

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

 

I once worked at a McDonald's in Paris. You might say I was in the French Fryin' Legion.

 

I can tell that I'm getting old because my kids don't want to listen to Whitesnake with me.

So, here I go again on my own.