Dad jokes

Two satellites got married. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was amazing!

 

Nah, I heard the wedding was out of this world.

 

But the venue had no atmosphere

 

How do you keep your parrot from falling off its perch?

Use Poligrip!

 

A woman decided she wanted a milk bath beauty treatment
So she had a tanker truck deliver the precious beverage to her door
The driver ran a hose to her tub while she anxiously awaited the bath to begin
"Hey lady, you want that pasteurize?"
"No thanks" she replied
"Just up to my neck!"

 

I went to a fish and chips dinner at a monastery once. The fish was so good I had to find out what kind of fish it was. I asked a passing brother and he said I don't know. I'm the chip monk but ill ask my brother he's the fish friar.

 

Frack I’m wheezing here

 

Last night I accidently handed my wife a glue stick instead of the chapstick. She still hasn't talked to me.

 

Wife and I got into a knock down drag out fight last week. She said how would you like to not see me for a few days? I said that’s fine with me! Today I can see her a little out of my left eye…

 

An attractive woman walked in and sat down on a bar stool
A quiet voice said, "nice dress"
She looked around and there was nobody there
Again, the voice said, "nice butt"
And again, nobody.
So she asked the bartender who was that talking?
"Oh, he replied, that's the bowl of nuts"
They're complimentary

 

Last weekend I got really bored so I took up fencing to help pass the time.



It wasn't long before the neighbors started complaining and insisting that I put it all back.

 

How is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?



You still lose half your money, but your wife is still there.

 

Married couple argument;

HUSNAND:
You ALWAYS have to have the LAST word!

WIFE:
No I DON'T!