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How to start a fight.....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by chris4x4, Feb 18, 2011.

  1. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:24 AM
    #1
    chris4x4

    chris4x4 [OP] With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Moderator

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    FlimFlubberJAM
    Tenoe, AZ
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    4.10 gears, sliders, and lots of buttons.
    [FONT= ]One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

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    [FONT= ]My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...
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    [FONT= ]I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....
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    [FONT= ]My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...
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    [FONT= ]When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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    [FONT= ]My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

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    [FONT= ]Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

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    [FONT= ]My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

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    [FONT= ]After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

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    [FONT= ]My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........
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  2. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:27 AM
    #2
    Fennywald

    Fennywald Betty Blue

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    haha one of the guys at work showed me this
     
  3. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:27 AM
    #3
    07trd4x4

    07trd4x4 Well-Known Member

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  4. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:29 AM
    #4
    Pugga

    Pugga Pasti-Dip Free 1983 - 2015... It was a good run

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    I'm definitely using some of those :D
     
  5. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:35 AM
    #5
    steve o 77

    steve o 77 braaap

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    245k+ miles, rust, working AC, bald eagles
    :ohsnap:
     
  6. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:37 AM
    #6
    Indian Shifter

    Indian Shifter Well-Known Member

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    nice..,gonna send some of these out
     
  7. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:43 AM
    #7
    Jigzor

    Jigzor Well-Known Member

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  8. Feb 18, 2011 at 7:58 AM
    #8
    Southern01Taco

    Southern01Taco Well-Known Member

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    Those are hilarious.
     
  9. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:07 AM
    #9
    The1youluv2hate

    The1youluv2hate Well-Known Member

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    That's some funny shit
     
  10. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:10 AM
    #10
    Blackened Taco

    Blackened Taco Well-Known Member

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    Funny stuff Chris!
     
  11. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:10 AM
    #11
    SuperTacoma

    SuperTacoma Well-Known Member

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  12. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:18 AM
    #12
    jammdogg

    jammdogg Well-Known Member

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    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    What a way to start the morning!!

    :)
     
  13. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:22 AM
    #13
    tacomarotto

    tacomarotto "Change is inevitable, but growth is optional."

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    good way to get a little laughter before a Calculus test on a friday morning!
     
  14. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:23 AM
    #14
    TacoRun

    TacoRun Subd for later..

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    When I read posts from Chris4x4 I read to my self in a Chuck Norris voice.
     
  15. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:24 AM
    #15
    BryWi

    BryWi Psalm 109:8

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    Classic stuff, Chris. I'll be making a hard copy ;)
     
  16. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:30 AM
    #16
    MAXTacoma

    MAXTacoma Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the laugh... Everyone in my office seemed to get a kick out of it as well!
     
  17. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:44 AM
    #17
    ink junky

    ink junky I phucking hate people >:(

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    aaahahahaha
     
  18. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:50 AM
    #18
    chaz834

    chaz834 Tacoma 4 Life.

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  19. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:51 AM
    #19
    Graham

    Graham Pay it Forward

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    Wow! Thanks for the but a gut laughs. The bathroom scale one made me howl:)

    I am in awe at the OP post totals......62K!!!!:bowdown:
     
  20. Feb 18, 2011 at 8:59 AM
    #20
    MyYota05

    MyYota05 Well-Known Member

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    Simply amazing, I need to try some of those out on my wife. :laughing:
     
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