I have become the grinch.

The way I see it is; It shouldn't be about what you should do. It should be about what you want to do.
I think you should take some time to seriously toss around the idea in your head that she could possibly pass away at any moment (not necessarily because of the infection she has at the moment), and really think to yourself how you would feel. Would you have done more? Do you think you'd regret not making more of an effort even though she has been a bitch with you? If after giving that a serious thought, you seriously feel that you would not care, then let it be and let it go. You've attempted to make things better, you've reached out to your nephews, and explained why it is you can't make it to all of their birthdays.

But, if you feel you would regret it, then I say try reasoning and explaining to her in a different way. Maybe she just doesn't get where you are coming from (not literally. lol). Sometimes people need to have things explained and presented to them in a different way to really get it.

I can understand going either way. We all have our limits.

I don't know your finances but you say you can't afford to visit them for their b-days. A 8 hour round trip is somewhere around $120 gas + gifts and other expenses. 4 times a year can get expensive. Why not work something out with your sister and your nephews where you'll make it to the b-day's for 2 of the kids each year, then alternate the following year. Their B-days are close to each other March-April, July-September. Go March & July one year, then the next year go for the April & September birthdays. And on each visit take a gift for both the b-day boy for that party and the one either the month before or the month after for which you won't attend that year.
Just a possible compromise that you both could be happy with. Not that you need go out of your way to make her happy. But if you care for your nephews, then this is a possible route to take.

 

No matter what be the better person in this situation. Do it for your kids and do it for your parents cause i know it pains them to see y'all like this. I wish you the best.

 

So now you're name-calling to his hospitalized sister? K..... Maybe think about what you typed before you post.

 

The only question you should ask is how it is making you feel. You have to get up and look in the mirror each day. The face you look at is yours and not your sister's. You can't solve her problems nor can you change her demands upon you. You have tried and it does not look like she will meet you half way. So I would say unless she or her husband calls to tell you they have eaten a heaping portion of humble pie, that any effort that you make will be thrown back into your face.

I have gone through the same sort of experience after the divorce from my first wife. Her family would not have a thing to do with me even when it was to allow my son to attend an event that he did not feel comfortable without either me or my wife attending. They flat refused so he remains estranged from them. It is their loss and he would happily visit or contact them again but they have to make the effort to mend the damage they caused.

With your mother, it is going to be a little headier. Mine was the travel agent for guilt trips. I got called a couple of times a month to tell me she was dying. It was so bad that when she did pass I had already done my greiving and gotten past it. However it helped my father as I was able to be the rock and help him get past his grief. As for my sister, well many years ago I found out that I could love her without respecting her. It is her loss not mine and I am much happier living that way. So when she makes demands on my time I just look at if it is something I want to do. If it is I go. If it is not I tell her maybe next time. So she looks forward to the times I want to talk to her.

Just remember only you can make yourself happy. Other people can make you unhappy only if you let them. If you don't want to let them it is their loss because they were trying to bring you down and too many people can only feel up when they bring others down.

 

Just be understanding, shes your blood.

 

Well, I think you probably do give a little bit of a shit (maybe just a minor shart) or you probably wouldn't have posted this. That may be good enough.

Going to see her could go in any direction, and if she is still in an anger stage with her situation, she could just lash out and make things even worse. She's cornered by things out of her control now (and based on your description, this probably doesn't sit well with her), and I wouldn't want to step in front of that freight train.

Anyway, I would send her some balloons or flowers just to show you care and take it from there. Let her make the next move, but don't expect one.

 

I would call her and wish her to get well, and send her a card and your favorite summer sausage so you have a meal in a couple weeks.

 

Well, she just has pneumonia. no PE.
To the person who recommended offering a compromise, and attending two kids birthdays one year, then the others the next. I offered that solution. It wasn't good enough for her. She stated that her kids birthdays were very important to her, and they should be to me too. So I should be there for every one.

After thinking about it at last night, and finding out that it's not as serious as it was made out to be, I've decided to not do anything at this point. I've made enough attempts to reconcile, make ammends and whatnot, with no effort on her part. At this point, if she wants me to be a part of her kids lives, she will find a way to make it happen. I have my own life/family to worry about, and they come first to me. Not her and her kids.

 

Very well said, especially the last 2 sentences. Sometimes we can only bang our heads against a brick wall for so long before deciding it is just giving us a concussion.

Not easy to do but I said this to my wife the other day, family isn't always about bloodlines.

 

Love your enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?

Matthew 5:43

 

You have to love your family. But you don't always have to like them. I'll leave that up to you to interpret.

My opinion would be to offer to be the "cool uncle". You make 1 big trip each year but not on any particular birthday. You bring gifts for all the kids at the same time, that way they feel like they're getting 5 birthdays each year instead of just 4. It's time for just you and your nieces/nephews to bond.

 

TacomaPrime,
The post above is great.... I was actually going to say that.

I don't have a good relationship with my sister and I know where you're coming from. If she is in the hospital (serious or not) visit her if something happens you'll end up regretting not doing it.

You have been the bigger man and you have tried. If she sends the gifts back hold them hold the cards till you see her kids and give them in person. Hopefully they realize she's a bitch and don't become like her.

Family is family and we generally only love each other on the big holidays the rest of the time some get along some don't.

Biggest issue is that she should realize that you're at least making an effort you live far away. If she can't make the trip to visit you how can she expect you to do the same.

 

My sister is 3 years older to me, just the two of us. I can't imagine not having a relationship with her.

Sorry to hear.

I would work to amend, but you can only do so much. Life is a 2 way street.

 

Just because she is family does not give her the right to dictate your life nor to be abusive. If it is familial love we are talking about here then you have given only to have it thrown back in your face. Why would you want to show the love to someone who obviously does not feel the same way? She is just being manipulative, controlling and abusive. Feel sorry for her husband and kids.